In days gone by people might have hauled up the drawbridge o keep the enemy at bay and to maintain their safety.
There are many ways we haul up our own personal drawbridge and, for some it may be withdrawing from the group or family members. While this copying mechanism might work for a while, it is not always a good strategy in the long term – eventually you are going to have to come out and re-stock your larder.
So why do we sometimes feel the need to haul up the drawbridge? What has happened?
Very often this can be as a result of our having allowed someone to cross our boundaries uninvited. There are times when we just need to e alone or do something for ourselves in our own way and then, all of a sudden, someone comes along and wants to take over, they feel the need to tell us what to do, to run our ship.
Family members seem to do this more often than most. We’ve all heard those mother-in-law jokes.
Let me ask you – how do you feel when someone has taken over your world, started organising your life and generally telling you what to do – all without your permission.
Personally, I feel resentful. The next thing I find when this happens is the victim in all of this (the person who lives in the castle) gets upset and sometimes that upset develops into an all-out war.
Now none of this upset and anxiety would be necessary if the victim stood hr ground and explained to the other person that it (whatever the transgression was) was just not on and she would feel better if the transgressor respected her boundaries and her world.
Sometimes such a transgression may only be the lack of asking permission and if the castle owner says “No” (ie she has clearly made her boundaries known) then the potential transgressor has a responsibility to honour that request and respect those boundaries.
We all have our personal boundaries and we all have our needs. Respecting the other person’s world is an important way of honouring that person. Respecting your own boundaries is paramount in honouring the self.
If you’d like to talk more on this subject
Life Coach Adelaide
Motivation can sound like something out of a corporate seminar or, possibly, you may associate the word with something that Tony Robbins might be famous for and possibly something that is far removed from your world.
And yet, we all are motivated to do something. Why do you get out of bed in the morning? What is driving you to do that? What is driving you to pursue a relationship, a career change, a new car or some other item you yearn for? Whatever it is, it is motivation.
Why would you want to be motivated? After all, plodding along on a daily basis, taking things as they come, just hanging about doing the same old things day in and day out can be pretty comfortable. Who needs to do anything?
I wonder what our lives might look like without motivation. How would we manage with all the toys we have to play with – items like the phone, the computer, the car or new clothes, places we go to, people we hang out with. What is it about those things that makes us do something to acquire them and/or enjoy the experience they bring with them? What is our intention around those things?
Recently I acquired some pretty cups, saucers and plates when I went on an excursion with the Probus ladies. Now I really have heaps of afternoon tea things so why would I want more? I really don’t need any more and yet these items somehow just found their way into my world.
Part of the experience in going to the shop with the Probus ladies was to experience the high tea put on by the shop – you know with posh cups and saucers, fancy sandwiches, cakes, scones and cream. It was, perhaps, frivolous but, nonetheless, it was fun and everyone felt good afterwards.
It was then my friend and I hatched a plan – we would have our own high tea with the goal of letting our other friend, who had recently been widowed, that we were thinking of her in her grief and that we loved her. We knew our friend enjoyed some of the finer things in life and what better way to enjoy those things than to have a high tea.
Loving someone is an emotion. Emotions are what people are all about. When we express emotion, we demonstrate we are human. As the song goes people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. We all need people and sometimes we just need to be reminded of the need to allow them in to our lives.
Of course, it would be easy to not do anything and it was also easy to let our friend know she was not alone and we loved her. Yes, it did take some effort and planning and cleaning up – in general, a small price to pay to bring some colour into the grey of someone’s life.
Getting around to something is being motivated. Motivation is powered by emotion.
When you think life’s boring, there’s nothing to do, no-one has rung you or asked you to come and have coffee with them or whatever, when you are feeling down/depressed or anxious about something, I invite you to take a couple of deep breaths, look beyond the now and ask yourself
What or who (outside of myself) could I focus on today?
What is one thing I could do for someone else (for which I will not seek recognition or acknowledgement)?
And you may just be surprised – rewards come in different ways.
Who are you being in that moment?
Dr Wayne Dyer talks about The Power of Intention – Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way.
At the beginning of that book he has a quote from Carlos Castaneda –
In the Universe there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link.
What are your intentions when contemplating getting around to doing something/not doing something?
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide
Have you ever felt paralysed when confronted with a decision – shall I go out or stay in, should I go to work or ring in sick, should I invest in that program or will they think I’m stupid/inadequate/not good enough?
Anxiety is a fear of something in the future – meaning it’s a fear of something that hasn’t happened yet.
It’s safe to stay in, it’s safe to stay where you are and it feels safe to not move forward or make a decision. When we know that we will be safe on the other side of something we need to do, it takes the fear out of that step. When we see those flying trapeze artists who start out on a platform which is safe, they know there is a safe platform at the other end which they will reach after they have done their trick and they accomplish their task with the greatest of ease on that flying trapeze.
Some people are so fearful of an event in the future (flying through the air like the trapeze artist) they are paralysed and never leave the platform.
I met this girl once who was anxious about going to school. Rather than going to school and facing her fear, a fear of something that may never happen, she stayed at home.
Now I know that sometimes there are unpleasant people in places like school and work and these people have the capacity to make life unpleasant – but only if you give them permission to do so.
These people are called “bullies” in today’s society. Bullies can be found everywhere and have been around forever.
Like everything in this world, bullies can only succeed if they are fed – meaning if you give them permission, if they have someone to bully.
So how does one overcome this fear of something that hasn’t happened yet?
I know this lady, let’s call her Suzie. Suzie told me she felt anxious about joining a cycling group. When I asked her what that was about she told me she was anxious about falling off the bike. When I asked her what would happen if she focused on staying on the bike and successfully completing her ride rather than falling off, she said she hadn’t thought about that. A few weeks later she was very excited when she reported that she had successfully completed her ride and was no longer afraid.
We get what we focus on so why not focus on what you want?
If anxiety is an issue for you and you’d like to move forward so you can enjoy life, please book a free session with me on https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11328808
If none of these times works for you, please email me firstname.lastname@example.org and request a time for an obligation-free chat.
Remember, we are all so much more than we believe we are.
What do you want?
This was the first question Suzie heard when she went to see her life coach.
This was Suzie’s first experience with a life coach and she wasn’t really sure what to expect.
What do you want? Asked the Life Coach.
With that, Suzie felt her eyes well up and she blurted out – I don’t know.
I know I don’t want this and I don’t want that and nor do I want the other.
Well, said the Life Coach – now you’ve told me what you don’t want – what do you want.
Now, continued the Life Coach –
What’s in your head?
What’s in your heart?
What’s in your gut?
What’s going on inside you?
All this was too much for Suzie and she broke down in tears. Suzie had been battling many of life’s challenges for a number of years and all she could think about was escaping from it all.
Somewhere from deep within she knew there had to be a better life but she had no idea what she did want.
After some more conversation, the Life Coach helped Suzie to work out what she did want. She helped Suzie phrase her stated goal in a positive and simply way so much so things began to become clearer to Suzie.
Finally, she could see exactly what it was she wanted. Everything seemed so clear now and she discovered she felt so much better. The ache in her heart was gone, as was the pain in her stomach.
Now she could focus on what she did want and this opened up new possibilities and opportunities. This, for Suzie, was amazing.
So now you know what you want looks like, now you know what it feels like and what others are saying about you, you are better equipped to go for it – mostly because you know what you’re chasing.
You get what you focus on so, for Heaven’s sake, why not focus on what you want.
To make a time with Marg for your non-judgmental and completely confidential free no-obligation session, click here
And remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.
Do you sometimes find yourself asking questions like –
- Am I really worth it?
- Is there anything all that special or valuable about me?
These are probably not the questions you’re likely to talk to your mates about. All kinds of things can get us started on this self-questioning path resulting in our feeling doubtful and uncertain about our worth and value.
Everyone has up days and down days, even those people who tell you they are always on top of the world. Everyone has days when they ask themselves these sorts of questions and it’s only when these questions begin to take over our life that we find we need some help.
I wonder what might happen when you treated yourself to a new friend, a friend you could listen to every day, especially when you’re having one of those self-questioning days. Someone to focus your attention on for a few moments and someone who could guide you out of the trap.
Hypnosis is a great way to reconnect with your unique core self
Deeper self respect is an audio hypnosis session that will help you change this pattern for good, so that you can recognize the truth about yourself and really start to care for yourself more deeply.
As you relax and listen repeatedly to your download, you’ll notice that you:
- Sense a kind of gentle inner ‘earthquake’ loosening up fixed ideas and attitudes
- Find yourself becoming aware of a whole range of new possibilities in your life
- Start to get a completely new perspective on who you are and your place in the world
- Begin to feel both proud and protective of this manifestation of your deeper self
- Commit to living from this new center, and nurturing these positive aspects of yourself
- Find life getting more and more enjoyable and rewarding as time goes by.
Download Deeper self respect and discover who you really are.
Life Coach Adelaide
Recently I have been undertaking the steps to renew my credentialing with the International Coaching Federation (ICF). Part of this journey has been 3 hours of mentor coaching with an experienced ICF coach. During this time I was once gain reminded of the value of having a coach.
Basically, coaching is about taking the client (and that can just mean another person and not necessarily one who pays money for the experience) from where they are to where they want to be.
“Easy”, you might say. But what does that really mean?
We’ve all heard of football coaches like Nathan Buckley and Ken Hinchley who coach AFL football teams but what do they really do. I’m sure they do more than just teach guys how to kick balls through the goal posts.
We all need to have someone in our court to help us lift our game, to achieve our goals, to become better people, to run corporations, to manage family life, to help us hone our skills. None of us knows everything and when we treat our mind like a parachute, it works better when it’s open.
It’s easy to become complacent when we feel we are in a comfortable space. One of the aspects I enjoy most about life coaching is the opportunity it has presented to learn from others and the benefits of getting out of my comfort zone. When we are out of our comfort zone we are challenged and that’s when we grow. Those are the times when I have found I achieved something I never in my wildest dreams imagined I could ever do.
So what is life coaching? In the not so distant past when our grandparents were growing up, as now, life had its challenges. Who did people talk to about their issues, how did they sort them out, what did they do then, how did they manage?
Al great questions. Life before computers, mobile phones, work place contracts, consumerism and many of those other things we have come to rely on and enjoy was slower. People had more time and spent time with the people who mattered to them. None of us knows how a child may feel when he finds himself in a certain situation and what that could mean later in life. When the child interprets a certain situation (something was said or done or he saw, heard or felt something) as something negative, that child may grow up believing he is not good enough, he is not loved, he doesn’t belong, he is not worthy. The result of that decision can be catastrophic and limiting.
In the past the little bloke may have been able to have a good heart to heart with a grandparent who could have helped him feel safe and loved and understood and that act of just being there could have fostered the feeling of confidence in that child.
Today most people are goo busy to attend to some of those special moments in life and that’s where the life coach skills can help to make a difference.
Some time ago one of my clients told me he had always felt abandoned because his parents never seemed to have time for him as a child.
Now, who knows what the parents’ needs were and when I suggested to him that perhaps they were so in love with each other they hadn’t realised how he felt, he seemed to feel differently about the situation and took some strength from knowing how much they cared about each other.
Sometimes when we find ourselves in crisis situations, just surviving can be a challenge. More recently my friend Claire and I have started up a group coaching program the purpose of which is to bring some awareness to what life coaching can offer and to know they are not alone. Sometimes in a crisis situation which seems to go on forever, it’s easy to overlook your own needs because you’re so busy taking care of everyone else. It is a b rave and courageous person is willing to give herself an hour or so of “time out” to nurture herself by talking with others in a non-judgment and confidential environment can help. Everything that is said in that room stays in that room.
Apart from the Coach N Chat meetings, we each offer one-on-one coaching sessions and you can always make a time to have a chat.
Our next session on 4 July – the first Tuesday of the month – will be around empowerment. This is a subject requested by some of the participants at our last Coach N Chat and is all about you and how you can help others to help themselves.
Mothers (and fathers) are nature’s unpaid personal life coaches, they are leaders and managers who run strategic units we call families and have one (if not THE) most important jobs in the Universe.
Until next time.
“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.”
― Eckhart Tolle
Being in the moment has a power all of its own.
How do you feel when you’re in a conversation/relationship with someone and, while their body may be there, they are not. They are distracted or thinking of something else, perhaps they’re on the phone or just looking around the room.
There are some people who “multi-skill” while talking with you. How does that make you feel then? That’s certainly one of the things that gets up my nose. I often ask myself – why am I here talking to this person when they are clearly not (here)? The other day I was having this (what I felt was a deep and meaningful) conversation with this person and in the middle of my talking she kept asking me if I wanted some refreshment.
Or perhaps you’ve been in a shop waiting to be served (meaning to engage with the shop assistant in conversation, to get more information or even just hand over your money) and the shop assistant seems to be more interested in completing a personal conversation on Facebook or texting someone. Is this the type of service that would drive you to recommend that business?
So what is this “being present”, what does it mean to be present?
From a coach’s point of view, being present means you are really in the conversation, listening for what is being said and what is not being said. You are giving the client 100% of your attention. Not only does this enrich the conversation it also acknowledges the client and, in return, they then feel valued, they feel like they are important and that they are being heard.
We can really only do one thing at the time and that is why driving the car and texting/chatting on the mobile phone at the same time can be so dangerous. Both activities (and especially the driving) require 100% of your attention and anything less can be catastrophic.
In the coaching world, the coach will ask the client loads of questions so the coach can learn more about the client’s world and the issue they have come to see the coach about. It’s imperative for the coach to give the client that quality time so the client can feel they have received value for their investment and, more importantly, a solution to their issue. The questions the coach asks are geared to loosening the client’s grip around their problem so that some new thinking can come into the space and allow the client to find their own solution. After all the client’s solution is the only solution that is going to work for them.
Now I wonder how that might work in your relationships. Imagine the quality of your relationships soaring when the other person feels that the time you have spent with them was of great value, a treasured moment, a time when each of you gets to know the other person just that bit more. After all it’s free – quality time is the same price as no-quality time and the results can be so much richer.
If this is something you might like to talk about, how about making a time and we can talk about it further.
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide
0407 186 011
Let me tell you about my friend Choice.
Choice is a beautiful lady who lives with me. Her beauty is in the gifts she has showered on me, the gift of freedom to choose and the sense of empowerment. She is a constant companion, a good listener and someone who leads me to feeling worthy and good about myself. Choice has made me the person I am today.
Choice has a cousin called Curiosity who often comes along. Curiosity is fun, she encourages me to explore and seek adventures. She encourages me to consider all sides of what is presented – you know what I mean –
Shall I or shan’t I
Should I or shouldn’t I
Will I or won’t I?
There is also another side of Curiosity – I wonder … I wonder what could happen if …
Once I would opt for the safe alternative, the familiar because I knew what the outcome would be and I was heavily invested in certainty. Now I find myself following the path of “I wonder what could happen, what might happen if ..”
Have you ever been driving along the road only to find yourself at a crossroad with no signpost? Should I go left or should I go right?
We are all faced with these choices every day. Sometimes the choices are relatively non-consequential – perhaps, should we have cake or chocolate? Sometimes the consequences of our choices have long lasting effects – should I take the red pill or the blue pill – as in the Matrix.
Then there are times when I listen to my gut and go with that choice. One of the things I have learned is that when I go with my gut feeling, when I make that choice, everything turns out as it should and I am comfortable with the end result.
When thinking about how Choice has served me in situations like this in the past, I have been so committed to my choice it just felt right, it worked out. There were obstacles along the way and, seemingly, these eventually parted and let me pass.
It is this level of commitment to a goal that moves mountains and gets us to where we want to be, to become the person we need to be so we do what has to be done to get what we want. This level of commitment comes with an inner knowing called Choice.
Choice also has a dark cousin called Regret.
When growing up I was introduced to Edith Piaf who sang Non, je ne regrette rien – No, I regret nothing. I chose to adopt that philosophy then and there. For me, this meant that whatever choice I made, it was for the best at the time and I had only one path forward.
Regret is one of those people who I have chosen to exclude: he is disempowering, parasitic and negative. On top of that he lacks a sense of adventure and is no fun.
Choice is the person who shared with me that we all have choices. We have the choice to choose to stay where we are, to do what we’ve always done and to get the results we have always had OR we can choose to step outside the bounds of our comfort zone, we can choose to give something a go, we can choose to be brave and see what happens, we can choose to be our own best friend and take care of ourselves, we can choose to take a step forward towards something we have always wanted, we can choose to be the person we know we really are and be brave, be courageous, be confident and reach for the stars.
My friend Choice is very powerful and I am grateful to have her on my team.
Are you ready to make a choice – make a time with me to have a chat https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11328808
What has to happen before you make the decision to move forward?
I was contemplating this question earlier around my writing a blog that focusses on relationships. The first relationship we need to focus on is the relationship we have with ourselves.
In my search I quickly discovered there are loads of people telling us what we should do. What I discovered is that before we do what we should do, we might take a good hard look at just who we are being.
During my search for what I was looking for it came to my notice that I am the only person who knew what I was searching for.
We can easily just float along in life just getting by and blaming everyone and everything for whatever is not going our way. Sitting on the sideline at a sporting event and hurling advice at the players is easy. What does it accomplish?
After some consideration and lots of procrastination I came to the conclusion one of the things I was being is selfish After all, I had spent years and years searching and all the while the answer was inside me.
So where to from here? My first thought was – I need a plan, I need to go somewhere with this. I need to share some of the benefits of what I learned along the way and, perhaps, what might be more powerful is if I were to show people how to find the answer they are seeking.
To this end, I have palled up with my friend Claire and we are running a series of workshops at Marie’s Crystal Cave, Snapper Point, Aldinga Beach. Our first event will take place on Tuesday 2 May at 7pm to 8.30pm. For this to succeed, it is our intention to address the things that are concerning the participants around their personal world. For example, there’s nothing you or I can do about how Donald Trump combs his hair however we can take a look at some of the things we do around some of our issues.
This is a non-judgmental and confidential environment meaning that whatever is said in the environment, stays there.
We all have needs which need to be fulfilled so we get what we want and one of my needs is to make a contribution of my time to others.
So, who’s open to taking a look Details can be found on Meetup Coach N Chat with Marg and Claire.
Looking forward to seeing you there. Marg and Claire.
We all know who she is – Negative Nellie is that person in our circle who always sees the downside – her glass is always half empty.
What’s her story? What does she get out of all this? Frankly I find it hard going and avoid her like the plague. I keep telling myself – She’s not dragging me down that black hole. I’ve been there and I’m staying right away from there.
We read about people suffering from depression and their being on medication all the time. Heaven knows, there are enough TV ads pushing some over-the-counter medication, even for babies. All this tells me is that the pharmaceutical companies are non-discriminatory in their targeting potential customers and the earlier they get them in their clutches, the greater their chances for a long-term customer.
My views are just that – my views and they are based on an overall generalisation and are certainly not aimed at anyone specifically. I believe if someone has gone to the doctor and the doctor has prescribed some medication then I’m sure it’s for a very good reason. I’m equally sure the doctor does monitor his patient’s progress and needs.
I also believe many people are at effect in life and waiting for some-one else to “fix” their problems and I really believe we are all in charge of our own minds and, therefore, our outcomes. So, my first questions for Negative Nellie are –
- What do you want?
- What’s your goal?
- What is the purpose of your being so down on absolutely everything?
- Where’s the pay-off?
Another of my beliefs is that there is a mind and body connection and when you choose to be negative, when your glass is half empty – that’s all you can see – a half empty glass.
Conversely, when that glass is half full, that’s all you see – the positive side of life, the good stuff and this has rubbed off on those around me – or maybe those around me aren’t the same people they once were.
There are several circles in my life – one is a sewing class I run for the U3A and we have a couple of rules –
- Absolutely no whinging
- No putting yourself down – none of this “I can’t do that” etc.
- Champion the other participants in the class.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep along. Readers’ Digest has been telling us for years that Laughter is the Best Medicine. When we laugh and are happy our bodies release “good-feeling” hormones and we live a happy and fulfilled, fun-loving life.
Negativity is more than just being down about the mouth – it’s pervasive, it’s reflected in the words you use, the way you talk and walk, the things you do (or don’t do), the clothes you wear and how you wear them, the company you keep, the books you read, the music you listen to, the movies you see and so on.
At the end of the day, you are the average of 5 people around you – so take a look at your 5 people. Are they dragging you down that black hole? What’s going on in their world? What need are these people filling for you?
Next time you take a dive in your emotion state and tell yourself how depressed you are, how bad things are I invite you to step back a moment and consider –
- What was the trigger – that set off this feeling of despair
- What did I eat to bring this on
- Whata did I drink to bring this on
- How have I fuelled my body – physically, emotionally and environmentally
- What could I do to change things
- What could I do differently
- What else
- What else
- What else
After all, you are in charge of your mind and therefore your results.
A problem shared can be a problem halved.
Want to discover how you could turn your life around – how about a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just CLICK HERE fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat. How easy is that?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Until next time
Health and Relationship/Life Coach Adelaide