I wonder how you might feel if you found a magical way to transport yourself from a place of feeling stuck in the pain of a problem to the pleasure of a solution that worked for you?
It may surprise you to discover this is completely within your grasp and control. It is something you can do in a moment or it may take a lifetime – it’s all about you and the choices you make.
Have you ever found yourself looking at a tree and thinking something like … it looks a bit out of balance with that bough on the right stretching so far out there while there are two quite strong branches resembling columns on the right? Somehow there seems to be more foliage on the left, etc…
And then you decide to take a look at that same tree from the other side and it looks different. In fact you are looking at the same tree from a different point of view.
This is the same with the challenges life presents to us all. We all have the resources within us right now to get to where we want to go. It is just a matter of choice whether we take this path or another, whether our chosen path is the path that will take us to where we want to go. And how do we know?
In the last couple of blog posts we were talking about who we were going to be in 2019 – the Victim or the Creator. This post is really an extension of that discussion.
When we look at things differently, the meaning we attach to those things changes, we change our attitude to those things and/or the circumstances surrounding them.
At the end of the day, it’s still the same tree and yet it’s not.
Now, I wonder what could happen if you were to find yourself confronting a situation you call “a problem”.
It can help when you define the problem, specifically. How is the issue a problem for you? How, specifically?
Second – what is the problem not? What are the circumstances/issues/characteristics of everything about the problem not? How do you they are not – what is your evidence?
So, what were you pretending not to know in order to have thought you had that problem?
And that’s why you’ve made those changes haven’t you?
So, what will you be doing differently tomorrow now that you’ve made those changes?
I have found this process very useful when dealing with issues around depression and anxiety. A change of mindset can be like a gift from the Universe and this is some of the stuff we discover in personal life coaching sessions.
Until next time
Adelaide Life Coach
In my last blog I asked “Who Are You Going To Be In 2019? Well, that was Part I.
Now, I’m bringing you Part II.
You may recall we talked about the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) where all too often it is easy to find yourself in Victim mentality with a Persecutor giving you “the business” and often a Rescuer coming to save you from the Persecutor and everything else.
Now, I have what I consider the antidote – the magic bullet, if you will. David Emerald calls this The Empowerment Dynamic (TED – not to be confused with Ted Talks on YouTube).
The TED triangle has the Creator in one corner, the Challenger in another and the Coach in the third corner.
The Creator recognises he has choice. He can elect to be the Victim or he can choose to create something which will serve him and enable him to live his life above the line. He can choose to grow from the tough times and be more focused on what he wants. The Creator is resilient, hopeful, energised and inspired. He is running on all 6 cylinders.
He is choosing to live his life above the line where he takes responsibility for his outcome, he is accountable for his actions and chooses to take sustainable baby steps to reach his goal. In short, his glass is half full.
When obstacles present themselves (as they invariable do) – whether they be people, circumstances or stuff generally, the Creator looks on these as Challenges. Challenges come along with opportunity and allow us to grow.
The Creator knows things will unfold at their own pace and to generally just trust the process.
When the Creator views life through the lenses of the Challenger he is self-aware and feels empowered knowing he is living life within his own value system and maintains his boundaries. He feels Confident, Clear and Capable.
The Creator with his Challenger hat on provokes and evokes himself and other to take action, his focus is on improvement and growth. He holds both himself and others accountable for their actions.
While this may seem too far removed from where you find yourself right now, when you choose to be the Creator you are open to coaching, whether formally or informally. The Coach knows we all have the resources we need to succeed within us right now and when the Creator is open to being coached, those resources will come to the fore. The Coach can assist the Creator in this regard.
The Coach has and demonstrates feelings of compassion and engagement. The Coach is supportive and always detached – this is how the Coach can best serve the Creator – by staying on the outside looking in.
The Coach will ask the Creator many questions around where he is right now and the challenges he faces with the object of assisting the Coach (and the Challenger) get some clarity around the issues that present themselves. The role of the Coach is to empower the Creator and assist in his growth and development. The Coach offers encouragement and positive reinforcement.
The Creator, Challenger and Coach are a winning team.
And so who will you choose to be in 2019?
If this is something you think you might like to discuss further, please feel free to make a time with me for a free obligation-free session. As I say to most people, the absolute worst thing that can happen is that each of us meets someone new for the day and if we do decide we are a good fit. Great.
A couple of weeks ago I had the good fortune to listen to David Emerald on an ICF (International Coaches Federation) webinar when he was talking about his book The Power of Ted. This is NOT a reference to Ted Talks but refers to The Empowerment Dynamic. The message was all about how easy it is to fall into the role of the Victim and how life does not have to be that way.
I am sure there’s not one person live who has never encountered a bully in their lives and I wonder how many people have given some thought to how all this works. The Tall Poppy Syndrome is alive and well in Australia. Anyone who dares to be different, excel, stand out from the crowd, take a risk, have a go, etc is frequently mown down. The really professional bullies are very good at annihilating people while hiding behind some screen of authority, frequently but not necessarily corporate.
In his book David Emerald discusses the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT – yes, just like the banned poison) where there is the Victim and the Persecutor in two corners with the Rescuer in the third.
The Victim can quite often come out in us after some loss – whether real or perceived – leaving us feeling vulnerable and alone. Victimhood is one strategy of reacting to life’s circumstances.
The Persecutor can be found in other people, objects or events. The Persecutor is the entity the Victim blames for his/her situation. The two roles are symbiotic – one cannot exist without the other.
And then there is the Rescuer – the entity the Victim leans on for help and, again, this entity can take different forms ranging from other people to drugs, alcohol and other strategies the Victim leans on for support. The Rescuer intervenes on behalf of the Victim to deliver the Victim from harm by the Persecutor.
Victims are frequently inward focused and concentrate on “Poor me”. Not only does this push people away, it also adds to the stress levels which, in turn, can result in a compromised immune system and illness, sometimes chronic illness.
I invite you to take a look at your life and consider how you have felt when you have been the Victim in whatever circumstances you have found yourself.
So, what is the alternative? What is the opposite of “Victim”? David Emerald has called this the “Creator” and I’ll talk about that next time
The most important thing is that we all have choice.
Who are you going to choose to be in 2019.
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide
Have you ever found yourself feeling let down by your expectations?
How do you feel when you have made an arrangement, set up a meeting or possibly a date and the other person fails to show up?
Have you ever found yourself let down when you had certain expectations around an event which failed to live up to your expectations, possibly a concert or a party?
Think about how you feel when you have bought someone what you consider to be “the perfect gift” and it all falls flat.
What feeling are you left with?
If there was a way to overcome this feeling of having been cheated out of what you thought was going to happen or what you thought you were going to experience, would this be of interest to you?
Disappointment is an expectation that has been frustrated in some way. We build up our expectations around an event and when it fails to happen the way we thought it should, we feel let down, disappointed and possibly cheated out of the experience. Sometimes we may even have a negative feeling towards the other person in the equation.
How do you imagine a child might feel if Santa failed to show up on Christmas morning?
Think about a bride or a groom who is left standing at the altar.
What about a failed space operation or maybe a culinary disaster like the chocolate cake sank.
Sometimes we might be looking forward to a visit from someone special and then something happens. Either they don’t show up or, worse, when they do, they somehow let you down.
How do we end up with this feeling of loss?
Usually it’s because we have created our own picture (which includes our feelings) around the event and the longer we have focused on how we expect this event to fulfil our need, the more we have put into the picture.
On the other side of the coin, quite often the persons (eg Santa) has his own agenda and, in all fairness, he is doing the best he can to fulfil your expectations and those of everyone else at the same time. However, he may not be totally aware of what those expectations are, or Rudolf may have a cold and not be able to perform as well as he could. There can be a host of reasons why Santa has not lived up to expectations.
When we are talking about an event, eg a dinner party or some other gathering, there are many things beyond our immediate control, things we cannot possibly anticipate going off the rails. Then it’s really how we view the “out-of-control” things that have led to our disappointment.
So, what if – just opening the door of possibility – what if –
- We focused on the things that were in our control and let the other stuff go
- We chose to believe we were doing the best we could
- We chose to believe other people were doing the best they could
- Something may have happened in the other person’s world which meant they were not able to fulfil their part of the deal
- The other person didn’t really understand what your expectations were
- The other person/event had a totally different agenda and you had been heaping all of your meaning and expectations onto them/the event
- We looked for the good and the positives
- We were grateful for the things and people we have in our lives.
At the end of the day, we all create our own meanings around what’s going on and sometimes life just gets in the way.
Be kind to yourself and others. This will come back to you tenfold.
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide
In days gone by people might have hauled up the drawbridge o keep the enemy at bay and to maintain their safety.
There are many ways we haul up our own personal drawbridge and, for some it may be withdrawing from the group or family members. While this copying mechanism might work for a while, it is not always a good strategy in the long term – eventually you are going to have to come out and re-stock your larder.
So why do we sometimes feel the need to haul up the drawbridge? What has happened?
Very often this can be as a result of our having allowed someone to cross our boundaries uninvited. There are times when we just need to e alone or do something for ourselves in our own way and then, all of a sudden, someone comes along and wants to take over, they feel the need to tell us what to do, to run our ship.
Family members seem to do this more often than most. We’ve all heard those mother-in-law jokes.
Let me ask you – how do you feel when someone has taken over your world, started organising your life and generally telling you what to do – all without your permission.
Personally, I feel resentful. The next thing I find when this happens is the victim in all of this (the person who lives in the castle) gets upset and sometimes that upset develops into an all-out war.
Now none of this upset and anxiety would be necessary if the victim stood hr ground and explained to the other person that it (whatever the transgression was) was just not on and she would feel better if the transgressor respected her boundaries and her world.
Sometimes such a transgression may only be the lack of asking permission and if the castle owner says “No” (ie she has clearly made her boundaries known) then the potential transgressor has a responsibility to honour that request and respect those boundaries.
We all have our personal boundaries and we all have our needs. Respecting the other person’s world is an important way of honouring that person. Respecting your own boundaries is paramount in honouring the self.
If you’d like to talk more on this subject
Life Coach Adelaide