Expectations – Are They Letting You down

Have you ever found yourself feeling let down by your expectations?

How do you feel when you have made an arrangement, set up a meeting or possibly a date and the other person fails to show up?

Have you ever found yourself let down when you had certain expectations around an event which failed to live up to your expectations, possibly a concert or a party?

Think about how you feel when you have bought someone what you consider to be “the perfect gift” and it all falls flat.

What feeling are you left with?

 

If there was a way to overcome this feeling of having been cheated out of what you thought was going to happen or what you thought you were going to experience, would this be of interest to you?

 

Disappointment is an expectation that has been frustrated in some way. We build up our expectations around an event and when it fails to happen the way we thought it should, we feel let down, disappointed and possibly cheated out of the experience. Sometimes we may even have a negative feeling towards the other person in the equation.

 

How do you imagine a child might feel if Santa failed to show up on Christmas morning?

Think about a bride or a groom who is left standing at the altar.

What about a failed space operation or maybe a culinary disaster like the chocolate cake sank.

 

Sometimes we might be looking forward to a visit from someone special and then something happens. Either they don’t show up or, worse, when they do, they somehow let you down.

 

How do we end up with this feeling of loss?

 

Usually it’s because we have created our own picture (which includes our feelings) around the event and the longer we have focused on how we expect this event to fulfil our need, the more we have put into the picture.

 

On the other side of the coin, quite often the persons (eg Santa) has his own agenda and, in all fairness, he is doing the best he can to fulfil your expectations and those of everyone else at the same time. However, he may not be totally aware of what those expectations are, or Rudolf may have a cold and not be able to perform as well as he could. There can be a host of reasons why Santa has not lived up to expectations.

 

When we are talking about an event, eg a dinner party or some other gathering, there are many things beyond our immediate control, things we cannot possibly anticipate going off the rails. Then it’s really how we view the “out-of-control” things that have led to our disappointment.

 

So, what if – just opening the door of possibility – what if –

 

  • We focused on the things that were in our control and let the other stuff go
  • We chose to believe we were doing the best we could
  • We chose to believe other people were doing the best they could
  • Something may have happened in the other person’s world which meant they were not able to fulfil their part of the deal
  • The other person didn’t really understand what your expectations were
  • The other person/event had a totally different agenda and you had been heaping all of your meaning and expectations onto them/the event
  • We looked for the good and the positives
  • We were grateful for the things and people we have in our lives.

 

At the end of the day, we all create our own meanings around what’s going on and sometimes life just gets in the way.

 

Be kind to yourself and others. This will come back to you tenfold.

 

Until next time

 

Marg

Life Coach Adelaide

Boundaries Are Important

In days gone by people might have hauled up the drawbridge o keep the enemy at bay and to maintain their safety.

There are many ways we haul up our own personal drawbridge and, for some it may be withdrawing from the group or family members. While this copying mechanism might work for a while, it is not always a good strategy in the long term – eventually you are going to have to come out and re-stock your larder.

So why do we sometimes feel the need to haul up the drawbridge? What has happened?

Very often this can be as a result of our having allowed someone to cross our boundaries uninvited. There are times when we just need to e alone or do something for ourselves in our own way and then, all of a sudden, someone comes along and wants to take over, they feel the need to tell us what to do, to run our ship.

Family members seem to do this more often than most. We’ve all heard those mother-in-law jokes.

Let me ask you – how do you feel when someone has taken over your world, started organising your life and generally telling you what to do – all without your permission.

Personally, I feel resentful. The next thing I find when this happens is the victim in all of this (the person who lives in the castle) gets upset and sometimes that upset develops into an all-out war.

Now none of this upset and anxiety would be necessary if the victim stood hr ground and explained to the other person that it (whatever the transgression was) was just not on and she would feel better if the transgressor respected her boundaries and her world.

Sometimes such a transgression may only be the lack of asking permission and if the castle owner says “No” (ie she has clearly made her boundaries known) then the potential transgressor has a responsibility to honour that request and respect those boundaries.

We all have our personal boundaries and we all have our needs. Respecting the other person’s world is an important way of honouring that person. Respecting your own boundaries is paramount in honouring the self.

If you’d like to talk more on this subject

Marg Hobby

Life Coach Adelaide

Getting Around To It – The Power of Intention

Motivation

Motivation can sound like something out of a corporate seminar or, possibly, you may associate the word with something that Tony Robbins might be famous for and possibly something that is far removed from your world.

And yet, we all are motivated to do something. Why do you get out of bed in the morning? What is driving you to do that? What is driving you to pursue a relationship, a career change, a new car or some other item you yearn for? Whatever it is, it is motivation.

Why would you want to be motivated? After all, plodding along on a daily basis, taking things as they come, just hanging about doing the same old things day in and day out can be pretty comfortable. Who needs to do anything?

I wonder what our lives might look like without motivation. How would we manage with all the toys we have to play with – items like the phone, the computer, the car or new clothes, places we go to, people we hang out with. What is it about those things that makes us do something to acquire them and/or enjoy the experience they bring with them? What is our intention around those things?

Recently I acquired some pretty cups, saucers and plates when I went on an excursion with the Probus ladies. Now I really have heaps of afternoon tea things so why would I want more? I really don’t need any more and yet these items somehow just found their way into my world.

Part of the experience in going to the shop with the Probus ladies was to experience the high tea put on by the shop – you know with posh cups and saucers, fancy sandwiches, cakes, scones and cream. It was, perhaps, frivolous but, nonetheless, it was fun and everyone felt good afterwards.

It was then my friend and I hatched a plan – we would have our own high tea with the goal of letting our other friend, who had recently been widowed, that we were thinking of her in her grief and that we loved her. We knew our friend enjoyed some of the finer things in life and what better way to enjoy those things than to have a high tea.

Loving someone is an emotion. Emotions are what people are all about. When we express emotion, we demonstrate we are human. As the song goes people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. We all need people and sometimes we just need to be reminded of the need to allow them in to our lives.

Of course, it would be easy to not do anything and it was also easy to let our friend know she was not alone and we loved her. Yes, it did take some effort and planning and cleaning up – in general, a small price to pay to bring some colour into the grey of someone’s life.

Getting around to something is being motivated. Motivation is powered by emotion.

When you think life’s boring, there’s nothing to do, no-one has rung you or asked you to come and have coffee with them or whatever, when you are feeling down/depressed or anxious about something, I invite you to take a couple of deep breaths, look beyond the now and ask yourself

                What or who (outside of myself) could I focus on today?

What is one thing I could do for someone else (for which I will not seek recognition or acknowledgement)?

And you may just be surprised – rewards come in different ways.

Who are you being in that moment?

Dr Wayne Dyer talks about The Power of Intention – Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way.

At the beginning of that book he has a quote from Carlos Castaneda –

 

In the Universe there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link.

 

 

What are your intentions when contemplating getting around to doing something/not doing something?

Until next time

Marg

Life Coach Adelaide

Anxiety – Is This Getting In The way Of Your Success, Of Your Moving Forward?

Have you ever felt paralysed when confronted with a decision – shall I go out or stay in, should I go to work or ring in sick, should I invest in that program or will they think I’m stupid/inadequate/not good enough?

Anxiety is a fear of something in the future – meaning it’s a fear of something that hasn’t happened yet.

It’s safe to stay in, it’s safe to stay where you are and it feels safe to not move forward or make a decision. When we know that we will be safe on the other side of something we need to do, it takes the fear out of that step. When we see those flying trapeze artists who start out on a platform which is safe, they know there is a safe platform at the other end which they will reach after they have done their trick and they accomplish their task with the greatest of ease on that flying trapeze.

Some people are so fearful of an event in the future (flying through the air like the trapeze artist) they are paralysed and never leave the platform.

I met this girl once who was anxious about going to school. Rather than going to school and facing her fear, a fear of something that may never happen, she stayed at home.

Now I know that sometimes there are unpleasant people in places like school and work and these people have the capacity to make life unpleasant – but only if you give them permission to do so.

These people are called “bullies” in today’s society. Bullies can be found everywhere and have been around forever.

Like everything in this world, bullies can only succeed if they are fed – meaning if you give them permission, if they have someone to bully.

So how does one overcome this fear of something that hasn’t happened yet?

I know this lady, let’s call her Suzie. Suzie told me she felt anxious about joining a cycling group. When I asked her what that was about she told me she was anxious about falling off the bike. When I asked her what would happen if she focused on staying on the bike and successfully completing her ride rather than falling off, she said she hadn’t thought about that. A few weeks later she was very excited when she reported that she had successfully completed her ride and was no longer afraid.

We get what we focus on so why not focus on what you want?

If anxiety is an issue for you and you’d like to move forward so you can enjoy life, please book a free session with me on https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11328808

If none of these times works for you, please email me marghobby@gmail.com and request a time for an obligation-free chat.

Remember, we are all so much more than we believe we are.

Talk soon

Marg

 

Where Attention Goes – Energy Flows

What do you want?

This was the first question Suzie heard when she went to see her life coach.

This was Suzie’s first experience with a life coach and she wasn’t really sure what to expect.

What do you want? Asked the Life Coach.

With that, Suzie felt her eyes well up and she blurted out – I don’t know.

I know I don’t want this and I don’t want that and nor do I want the other.

Well, said the Life Coach – now you’ve told me what you don’t want – what do you want.

Now, continued the Life Coach –

What’s in your head?

What’s in your heart?

What’s in your gut?

What’s going on inside you?

All this was too much for Suzie and she broke down in tears. Suzie had been battling many of life’s challenges for a number of years and all she could think about was escaping from it all.

Somewhere from deep within she knew there had to be a better life but she had no idea what she did want.

After some more conversation, the Life Coach helped Suzie to work out what she did want. She helped Suzie phrase her stated goal in a positive and simply way so much so things began to become clearer to Suzie.

Finally, she could see exactly what it was she wanted. Everything seemed so clear now and she discovered she felt so much better. The ache in her heart was gone, as was the pain in her stomach.

Now she could focus on what she did want and this opened up new possibilities and opportunities. This, for Suzie, was amazing.

So now you know what you want looks like, now you know what it feels like and what others are saying about you, you are better equipped to go for it – mostly because you know what you’re chasing.

You get what you focus on so, for Heaven’s sake, why not focus on what you want.

To make a time with Marg for your non-judgmental and completely confidential free no-obligation session, click here

And remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.