In my last blog I asked “Who Are You Going To Be In 2019? Well, that was Part I.
Now, I’m bringing you Part II.
You may recall we talked about the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) where all too often it is easy to find yourself in Victim mentality with a Persecutor giving you “the business” and often a Rescuer coming to save you from the Persecutor and everything else.
Now, I have what I consider the antidote – the magic bullet, if you will. David Emerald calls this The Empowerment Dynamic (TED – not to be confused with Ted Talks on YouTube).
The TED triangle has the Creator in one corner, the Challenger in another and the Coach in the third corner.
The Creator recognises he has choice. He can elect to be the Victim or he can choose to create something which will serve him and enable him to live his life above the line. He can choose to grow from the tough times and be more focused on what he wants. The Creator is resilient, hopeful, energised and inspired. He is running on all 6 cylinders.
He is choosing to live his life above the line where he takes responsibility for his outcome, he is accountable for his actions and chooses to take sustainable baby steps to reach his goal. In short, his glass is half full.
When obstacles present themselves (as they invariable do) – whether they be people, circumstances or stuff generally, the Creator looks on these as Challenges. Challenges come along with opportunity and allow us to grow.
The Creator knows things will unfold at their own pace and to generally just trust the process.
When the Creator views life through the lenses of the Challenger he is self-aware and feels empowered knowing he is living life within his own value system and maintains his boundaries. He feels Confident, Clear and Capable.
The Creator with his Challenger hat on provokes and evokes himself and other to take action, his focus is on improvement and growth. He holds both himself and others accountable for their actions.
While this may seem too far removed from where you find yourself right now, when you choose to be the Creator you are open to coaching, whether formally or informally. The Coach knows we all have the resources we need to succeed within us right now and when the Creator is open to being coached, those resources will come to the fore. The Coach can assist the Creator in this regard.
The Coach has and demonstrates feelings of compassion and engagement. The Coach is supportive and always detached – this is how the Coach can best serve the Creator – by staying on the outside looking in.
The Coach will ask the Creator many questions around where he is right now and the challenges he faces with the object of assisting the Coach (and the Challenger) get some clarity around the issues that present themselves. The role of the Coach is to empower the Creator and assist in his growth and development. The Coach offers encouragement and positive reinforcement.
The Creator, Challenger and Coach are a winning team.
And so who will you choose to be in 2019?
If this is something you think you might like to discuss further, please feel free to make a time with me for a free obligation-free session. As I say to most people, the absolute worst thing that can happen is that each of us meets someone new for the day and if we do decide we are a good fit. Great.
A couple of weeks ago I had the good fortune to listen to David Emerald on an ICF (International Coaches Federation) webinar when he was talking about his book The Power of Ted. This is NOT a reference to Ted Talks but refers to The Empowerment Dynamic. The message was all about how easy it is to fall into the role of the Victim and how life does not have to be that way.
I am sure there’s not one person live who has never encountered a bully in their lives and I wonder how many people have given some thought to how all this works. The Tall Poppy Syndrome is alive and well in Australia. Anyone who dares to be different, excel, stand out from the crowd, take a risk, have a go, etc is frequently mown down. The really professional bullies are very good at annihilating people while hiding behind some screen of authority, frequently but not necessarily corporate.
In his book David Emerald discusses the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT – yes, just like the banned poison) where there is the Victim and the Persecutor in two corners with the Rescuer in the third.
The Victim can quite often come out in us after some loss – whether real or perceived – leaving us feeling vulnerable and alone. Victimhood is one strategy of reacting to life’s circumstances.
The Persecutor can be found in other people, objects or events. The Persecutor is the entity the Victim blames for his/her situation. The two roles are symbiotic – one cannot exist without the other.
And then there is the Rescuer – the entity the Victim leans on for help and, again, this entity can take different forms ranging from other people to drugs, alcohol and other strategies the Victim leans on for support. The Rescuer intervenes on behalf of the Victim to deliver the Victim from harm by the Persecutor.
Victims are frequently inward focused and concentrate on “Poor me”. Not only does this push people away, it also adds to the stress levels which, in turn, can result in a compromised immune system and illness, sometimes chronic illness.
I invite you to take a look at your life and consider how you have felt when you have been the Victim in whatever circumstances you have found yourself.
So, what is the alternative? What is the opposite of “Victim”? David Emerald has called this the “Creator” and I’ll talk about that next time
The most important thing is that we all have choice.
Who are you going to choose to be in 2019.
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide
Have you ever found yourself feeling let down by your expectations?
How do you feel when you have made an arrangement, set up a meeting or possibly a date and the other person fails to show up?
Have you ever found yourself let down when you had certain expectations around an event which failed to live up to your expectations, possibly a concert or a party?
Think about how you feel when you have bought someone what you consider to be “the perfect gift” and it all falls flat.
What feeling are you left with?
If there was a way to overcome this feeling of having been cheated out of what you thought was going to happen or what you thought you were going to experience, would this be of interest to you?
Disappointment is an expectation that has been frustrated in some way. We build up our expectations around an event and when it fails to happen the way we thought it should, we feel let down, disappointed and possibly cheated out of the experience. Sometimes we may even have a negative feeling towards the other person in the equation.
How do you imagine a child might feel if Santa failed to show up on Christmas morning?
Think about a bride or a groom who is left standing at the altar.
What about a failed space operation or maybe a culinary disaster like the chocolate cake sank.
Sometimes we might be looking forward to a visit from someone special and then something happens. Either they don’t show up or, worse, when they do, they somehow let you down.
How do we end up with this feeling of loss?
Usually it’s because we have created our own picture (which includes our feelings) around the event and the longer we have focused on how we expect this event to fulfil our need, the more we have put into the picture.
On the other side of the coin, quite often the persons (eg Santa) has his own agenda and, in all fairness, he is doing the best he can to fulfil your expectations and those of everyone else at the same time. However, he may not be totally aware of what those expectations are, or Rudolf may have a cold and not be able to perform as well as he could. There can be a host of reasons why Santa has not lived up to expectations.
When we are talking about an event, eg a dinner party or some other gathering, there are many things beyond our immediate control, things we cannot possibly anticipate going off the rails. Then it’s really how we view the “out-of-control” things that have led to our disappointment.
So, what if – just opening the door of possibility – what if –
- We focused on the things that were in our control and let the other stuff go
- We chose to believe we were doing the best we could
- We chose to believe other people were doing the best they could
- Something may have happened in the other person’s world which meant they were not able to fulfil their part of the deal
- The other person didn’t really understand what your expectations were
- The other person/event had a totally different agenda and you had been heaping all of your meaning and expectations onto them/the event
- We looked for the good and the positives
- We were grateful for the things and people we have in our lives.
At the end of the day, we all create our own meanings around what’s going on and sometimes life just gets in the way.
Be kind to yourself and others. This will come back to you tenfold.
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide
In days gone by people might have hauled up the drawbridge o keep the enemy at bay and to maintain their safety.
There are many ways we haul up our own personal drawbridge and, for some it may be withdrawing from the group or family members. While this copying mechanism might work for a while, it is not always a good strategy in the long term – eventually you are going to have to come out and re-stock your larder.
So why do we sometimes feel the need to haul up the drawbridge? What has happened?
Very often this can be as a result of our having allowed someone to cross our boundaries uninvited. There are times when we just need to e alone or do something for ourselves in our own way and then, all of a sudden, someone comes along and wants to take over, they feel the need to tell us what to do, to run our ship.
Family members seem to do this more often than most. We’ve all heard those mother-in-law jokes.
Let me ask you – how do you feel when someone has taken over your world, started organising your life and generally telling you what to do – all without your permission.
Personally, I feel resentful. The next thing I find when this happens is the victim in all of this (the person who lives in the castle) gets upset and sometimes that upset develops into an all-out war.
Now none of this upset and anxiety would be necessary if the victim stood hr ground and explained to the other person that it (whatever the transgression was) was just not on and she would feel better if the transgressor respected her boundaries and her world.
Sometimes such a transgression may only be the lack of asking permission and if the castle owner says “No” (ie she has clearly made her boundaries known) then the potential transgressor has a responsibility to honour that request and respect those boundaries.
We all have our personal boundaries and we all have our needs. Respecting the other person’s world is an important way of honouring that person. Respecting your own boundaries is paramount in honouring the self.
If you’d like to talk more on this subject
Life Coach Adelaide
Motivation can sound like something out of a corporate seminar or, possibly, you may associate the word with something that Tony Robbins might be famous for and possibly something that is far removed from your world.
And yet, we all are motivated to do something. Why do you get out of bed in the morning? What is driving you to do that? What is driving you to pursue a relationship, a career change, a new car or some other item you yearn for? Whatever it is, it is motivation.
Why would you want to be motivated? After all, plodding along on a daily basis, taking things as they come, just hanging about doing the same old things day in and day out can be pretty comfortable. Who needs to do anything?
I wonder what our lives might look like without motivation. How would we manage with all the toys we have to play with – items like the phone, the computer, the car or new clothes, places we go to, people we hang out with. What is it about those things that makes us do something to acquire them and/or enjoy the experience they bring with them? What is our intention around those things?
Recently I acquired some pretty cups, saucers and plates when I went on an excursion with the Probus ladies. Now I really have heaps of afternoon tea things so why would I want more? I really don’t need any more and yet these items somehow just found their way into my world.
Part of the experience in going to the shop with the Probus ladies was to experience the high tea put on by the shop – you know with posh cups and saucers, fancy sandwiches, cakes, scones and cream. It was, perhaps, frivolous but, nonetheless, it was fun and everyone felt good afterwards.
It was then my friend and I hatched a plan – we would have our own high tea with the goal of letting our other friend, who had recently been widowed, that we were thinking of her in her grief and that we loved her. We knew our friend enjoyed some of the finer things in life and what better way to enjoy those things than to have a high tea.
Loving someone is an emotion. Emotions are what people are all about. When we express emotion, we demonstrate we are human. As the song goes people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. We all need people and sometimes we just need to be reminded of the need to allow them in to our lives.
Of course, it would be easy to not do anything and it was also easy to let our friend know she was not alone and we loved her. Yes, it did take some effort and planning and cleaning up – in general, a small price to pay to bring some colour into the grey of someone’s life.
Getting around to something is being motivated. Motivation is powered by emotion.
When you think life’s boring, there’s nothing to do, no-one has rung you or asked you to come and have coffee with them or whatever, when you are feeling down/depressed or anxious about something, I invite you to take a couple of deep breaths, look beyond the now and ask yourself
What or who (outside of myself) could I focus on today?
What is one thing I could do for someone else (for which I will not seek recognition or acknowledgement)?
And you may just be surprised – rewards come in different ways.
Who are you being in that moment?
Dr Wayne Dyer talks about The Power of Intention – Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way.
At the beginning of that book he has a quote from Carlos Castaneda –
In the Universe there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link.
What are your intentions when contemplating getting around to doing something/not doing something?
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide
Have you ever felt paralysed when confronted with a decision – shall I go out or stay in, should I go to work or ring in sick, should I invest in that program or will they think I’m stupid/inadequate/not good enough?
Anxiety is a fear of something in the future – meaning it’s a fear of something that hasn’t happened yet.
It’s safe to stay in, it’s safe to stay where you are and it feels safe to not move forward or make a decision. When we know that we will be safe on the other side of something we need to do, it takes the fear out of that step. When we see those flying trapeze artists who start out on a platform which is safe, they know there is a safe platform at the other end which they will reach after they have done their trick and they accomplish their task with the greatest of ease on that flying trapeze.
Some people are so fearful of an event in the future (flying through the air like the trapeze artist) they are paralysed and never leave the platform.
I met this girl once who was anxious about going to school. Rather than going to school and facing her fear, a fear of something that may never happen, she stayed at home.
Now I know that sometimes there are unpleasant people in places like school and work and these people have the capacity to make life unpleasant – but only if you give them permission to do so.
These people are called “bullies” in today’s society. Bullies can be found everywhere and have been around forever.
Like everything in this world, bullies can only succeed if they are fed – meaning if you give them permission, if they have someone to bully.
So how does one overcome this fear of something that hasn’t happened yet?
I know this lady, let’s call her Suzie. Suzie told me she felt anxious about joining a cycling group. When I asked her what that was about she told me she was anxious about falling off the bike. When I asked her what would happen if she focused on staying on the bike and successfully completing her ride rather than falling off, she said she hadn’t thought about that. A few weeks later she was very excited when she reported that she had successfully completed her ride and was no longer afraid.
We get what we focus on so why not focus on what you want?
If anxiety is an issue for you and you’d like to move forward so you can enjoy life, please book a free session with me on https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11328808
If none of these times works for you, please email me firstname.lastname@example.org and request a time for an obligation-free chat.
Remember, we are all so much more than we believe we are.
What do you want?
This was the first question Suzie heard when she went to see her life coach.
This was Suzie’s first experience with a life coach and she wasn’t really sure what to expect.
What do you want? Asked the Life Coach.
With that, Suzie felt her eyes well up and she blurted out – I don’t know.
I know I don’t want this and I don’t want that and nor do I want the other.
Well, said the Life Coach – now you’ve told me what you don’t want – what do you want.
Now, continued the Life Coach –
What’s in your head?
What’s in your heart?
What’s in your gut?
What’s going on inside you?
All this was too much for Suzie and she broke down in tears. Suzie had been battling many of life’s challenges for a number of years and all she could think about was escaping from it all.
Somewhere from deep within she knew there had to be a better life but she had no idea what she did want.
After some more conversation, the Life Coach helped Suzie to work out what she did want. She helped Suzie phrase her stated goal in a positive and simply way so much so things began to become clearer to Suzie.
Finally, she could see exactly what it was she wanted. Everything seemed so clear now and she discovered she felt so much better. The ache in her heart was gone, as was the pain in her stomach.
Now she could focus on what she did want and this opened up new possibilities and opportunities. This, for Suzie, was amazing.
So now you know what you want looks like, now you know what it feels like and what others are saying about you, you are better equipped to go for it – mostly because you know what you’re chasing.
You get what you focus on so, for Heaven’s sake, why not focus on what you want.
To make a time with Marg for your non-judgmental and completely confidential free no-obligation session, click here
And remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.
Do you sometimes find yourself asking questions like –
- Am I really worth it?
- Is there anything all that special or valuable about me?
These are probably not the questions you’re likely to talk to your mates about. All kinds of things can get us started on this self-questioning path resulting in our feeling doubtful and uncertain about our worth and value.
Everyone has up days and down days, even those people who tell you they are always on top of the world. Everyone has days when they ask themselves these sorts of questions and it’s only when these questions begin to take over our life that we find we need some help.
I wonder what might happen when you treated yourself to a new friend, a friend you could listen to every day, especially when you’re having one of those self-questioning days. Someone to focus your attention on for a few moments and someone who could guide you out of the trap.
Hypnosis is a great way to reconnect with your unique core self
Deeper self respect is an audio hypnosis session that will help you change this pattern for good, so that you can recognize the truth about yourself and really start to care for yourself more deeply.
As you relax and listen repeatedly to your download, you’ll notice that you:
- Sense a kind of gentle inner ‘earthquake’ loosening up fixed ideas and attitudes
- Find yourself becoming aware of a whole range of new possibilities in your life
- Start to get a completely new perspective on who you are and your place in the world
- Begin to feel both proud and protective of this manifestation of your deeper self
- Commit to living from this new center, and nurturing these positive aspects of yourself
- Find life getting more and more enjoyable and rewarding as time goes by.
Download Deeper self respect and discover who you really are.
Life Coach Adelaide
Recently I have been undertaking the steps to renew my credentialing with the International Coaching Federation (ICF). Part of this journey has been 3 hours of mentor coaching with an experienced ICF coach. During this time I was once gain reminded of the value of having a coach.
Basically, coaching is about taking the client (and that can just mean another person and not necessarily one who pays money for the experience) from where they are to where they want to be.
“Easy”, you might say. But what does that really mean?
We’ve all heard of football coaches like Nathan Buckley and Ken Hinchley who coach AFL football teams but what do they really do. I’m sure they do more than just teach guys how to kick balls through the goal posts.
We all need to have someone in our court to help us lift our game, to achieve our goals, to become better people, to run corporations, to manage family life, to help us hone our skills. None of us knows everything and when we treat our mind like a parachute, it works better when it’s open.
It’s easy to become complacent when we feel we are in a comfortable space. One of the aspects I enjoy most about life coaching is the opportunity it has presented to learn from others and the benefits of getting out of my comfort zone. When we are out of our comfort zone we are challenged and that’s when we grow. Those are the times when I have found I achieved something I never in my wildest dreams imagined I could ever do.
So what is life coaching? In the not so distant past when our grandparents were growing up, as now, life had its challenges. Who did people talk to about their issues, how did they sort them out, what did they do then, how did they manage?
Al great questions. Life before computers, mobile phones, work place contracts, consumerism and many of those other things we have come to rely on and enjoy was slower. People had more time and spent time with the people who mattered to them. None of us knows how a child may feel when he finds himself in a certain situation and what that could mean later in life. When the child interprets a certain situation (something was said or done or he saw, heard or felt something) as something negative, that child may grow up believing he is not good enough, he is not loved, he doesn’t belong, he is not worthy. The result of that decision can be catastrophic and limiting.
In the past the little bloke may have been able to have a good heart to heart with a grandparent who could have helped him feel safe and loved and understood and that act of just being there could have fostered the feeling of confidence in that child.
Today most people are goo busy to attend to some of those special moments in life and that’s where the life coach skills can help to make a difference.
Some time ago one of my clients told me he had always felt abandoned because his parents never seemed to have time for him as a child.
Now, who knows what the parents’ needs were and when I suggested to him that perhaps they were so in love with each other they hadn’t realised how he felt, he seemed to feel differently about the situation and took some strength from knowing how much they cared about each other.
Sometimes when we find ourselves in crisis situations, just surviving can be a challenge. More recently my friend Claire and I have started up a group coaching program the purpose of which is to bring some awareness to what life coaching can offer and to know they are not alone. Sometimes in a crisis situation which seems to go on forever, it’s easy to overlook your own needs because you’re so busy taking care of everyone else. It is a b rave and courageous person is willing to give herself an hour or so of “time out” to nurture herself by talking with others in a non-judgment and confidential environment can help. Everything that is said in that room stays in that room.
Apart from the Coach N Chat meetings, we each offer one-on-one coaching sessions and you can always make a time to have a chat.
Our next session on 4 July – the first Tuesday of the month – will be around empowerment. This is a subject requested by some of the participants at our last Coach N Chat and is all about you and how you can help others to help themselves.
Mothers (and fathers) are nature’s unpaid personal life coaches, they are leaders and managers who run strategic units we call families and have one (if not THE) most important jobs in the Universe.
Until next time.
“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.”
― Eckhart Tolle
Being in the moment has a power all of its own.
How do you feel when you’re in a conversation/relationship with someone and, while their body may be there, they are not. They are distracted or thinking of something else, perhaps they’re on the phone or just looking around the room.
There are some people who “multi-skill” while talking with you. How does that make you feel then? That’s certainly one of the things that gets up my nose. I often ask myself – why am I here talking to this person when they are clearly not (here)? The other day I was having this (what I felt was a deep and meaningful) conversation with this person and in the middle of my talking she kept asking me if I wanted some refreshment.
Or perhaps you’ve been in a shop waiting to be served (meaning to engage with the shop assistant in conversation, to get more information or even just hand over your money) and the shop assistant seems to be more interested in completing a personal conversation on Facebook or texting someone. Is this the type of service that would drive you to recommend that business?
So what is this “being present”, what does it mean to be present?
From a coach’s point of view, being present means you are really in the conversation, listening for what is being said and what is not being said. You are giving the client 100% of your attention. Not only does this enrich the conversation it also acknowledges the client and, in return, they then feel valued, they feel like they are important and that they are being heard.
We can really only do one thing at the time and that is why driving the car and texting/chatting on the mobile phone at the same time can be so dangerous. Both activities (and especially the driving) require 100% of your attention and anything less can be catastrophic.
In the coaching world, the coach will ask the client loads of questions so the coach can learn more about the client’s world and the issue they have come to see the coach about. It’s imperative for the coach to give the client that quality time so the client can feel they have received value for their investment and, more importantly, a solution to their issue. The questions the coach asks are geared to loosening the client’s grip around their problem so that some new thinking can come into the space and allow the client to find their own solution. After all the client’s solution is the only solution that is going to work for them.
Now I wonder how that might work in your relationships. Imagine the quality of your relationships soaring when the other person feels that the time you have spent with them was of great value, a treasured moment, a time when each of you gets to know the other person just that bit more. After all it’s free – quality time is the same price as no-quality time and the results can be so much richer.
If this is something you might like to talk about, how about making a time and we can talk about it further.
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide
0407 186 011