Why Coaching

Recently I have been undertaking the steps to renew my credentialing with the International Coaching Federation (ICF). Part of this journey has been 3 hours of mentor coaching with an experienced ICF coach. During this time I was once gain reminded of the value of having a coach.

Basically, coaching is about taking the client (and that can just mean another person and not necessarily one who pays money for the experience) from where they are to where they want to be.

“Easy”, you might say. But what does that really mean?

We’ve all heard of football coaches like Nathan Buckley and Ken Hinchley who coach AFL football teams but what do they really do. I’m sure they do more than just teach guys how to kick balls through the goal posts.

We all need to have someone in our court to help us lift our game, to achieve our goals, to become better people, to run corporations, to manage family life, to help us hone our skills. None of us knows everything and when we treat our mind like a parachute, it works better when it’s open.

It’s easy to become complacent when we feel we are in a comfortable space. One of the aspects I enjoy most about life coaching is the opportunity it has presented to learn from others and the benefits of getting out of my comfort zone. When we are out of our comfort zone we are challenged and that’s when we grow. Those are the times when I have found I achieved something I never in my wildest dreams imagined I could ever do.

So what is life coaching? In the not so distant past when our grandparents were growing up, as now, life had its challenges. Who did people talk to about their issues, how did they sort them out, what did they do then, how did they manage?

Al great questions. Life before computers, mobile phones, work place contracts, consumerism and many of those other things we have come to rely on and enjoy was slower. People had more time and spent time with the people who mattered to them. None of us knows how a child may feel when he finds himself in a certain situation and what that could mean later in life. When the child interprets a certain situation (something was said or done or he saw, heard or felt something) as something negative, that child may grow up believing he is not good enough, he is not loved, he doesn’t belong, he is not worthy. The result of that decision can be catastrophic and limiting.

In the past the little bloke may have been able to have a good heart to heart with a grandparent who could have helped him feel safe and loved and understood and that act of just being there could have fostered the feeling of confidence in that child.

Today most people are goo busy to attend to some of those special moments in life and that’s where the life coach skills can help to make a difference.

Some time ago one of my clients told me he had always felt abandoned because his parents never seemed to have time for him as a child.

Now, who knows what the parents’ needs were and when I suggested to him that perhaps they were so in love with each other they hadn’t realised how he felt, he seemed to feel differently about the situation and took some strength from knowing how much they cared about each other.

Sometimes when we find ourselves in crisis situations, just surviving can be a challenge. More recently my friend Claire and I have started up a group coaching program the purpose of which is to bring some awareness to what life coaching can offer and to know they are not alone. Sometimes in a crisis situation which seems to go on forever, it’s easy to overlook your own needs because you’re so busy taking care of everyone else. It is a b rave and courageous person is willing to give herself an hour or so of “time out” to nurture herself by talking with others in a non-judgment and confidential environment can help. Everything that is said in that room stays in that room.

Apart from the Coach N Chat meetings, we each offer one-on-one coaching sessions and you can always make a time to have a chat.

Our next session on 4 July – the first Tuesday of the month – will be around empowerment. This is a subject requested by some of the participants at our last Coach N Chat and is all about you and how you can help others to help themselves.

Mothers (and fathers) are nature’s unpaid personal life coaches, they are leaders and managers who run strategic units we call families and have one (if not THE) most important jobs in the Universe.

Until next time.



The Power of Presence – A Tip From Your Life and Health Coach


“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.”

― Eckhart Tolle

Being in the moment has a power all of its own.

How do you feel when you’re in a conversation/relationship with someone and, while their body may be there, they are not. They are distracted or thinking of something else, perhaps they’re on the phone or just looking around the room.

There are some people who “multi-skill” while talking with you. How does that make you feel then? That’s certainly one of the things that gets up my nose. I often ask myself – why am I here talking to this person when they are clearly not (here)? The other day I was having this (what I felt was a deep and meaningful) conversation with this person and in the middle of my talking she kept asking me if I wanted some refreshment.

Or perhaps you’ve been in a shop waiting to be served (meaning to engage with the shop assistant in conversation, to get more information or even just hand over your money) and the shop assistant seems to be more interested in completing a personal conversation on Facebook or texting someone. Is this the type of service that would drive you to recommend that business?

So what is this “being present”, what does it mean to be present?

From a coach’s point of view, being present means you are really in the conversation, listening for what is being said and what is not being said. You are giving the client 100% of your attention. Not only does this enrich the conversation it also acknowledges the client and, in return, they then feel valued, they feel like they are important and that they are being heard.

We can really only do one thing at the time and that is why driving the car and texting/chatting on the mobile phone at the same time can be so dangerous. Both activities (and especially the driving) require 100% of your attention and anything less can be catastrophic.

In the coaching world, the coach will ask the client loads of questions so the coach can learn more about the client’s world and the issue they have come to see the coach about. It’s imperative for the coach to give the client that quality time so the client can feel they have received value for their investment and, more importantly, a solution to their issue. The questions the coach asks are geared to loosening the client’s grip around their problem so that some new thinking can come into the space and allow the client to find their own solution. After all the client’s solution is the only solution that is going to work for them.

Now I wonder how that might work in your relationships. Imagine the quality of your relationships soaring when the other person feels that the time you have spent with them was of great value, a treasured moment, a time when each of you gets to know the other person just that bit more. After all it’s free – quality time is the same price as no-quality time and the results can be so much richer.

If this is something you might like to talk about, how about making a time and we can talk about it further.

Until next time


Life Coach Adelaide

0407 186 011

My Friend Choice

Let me tell you about my friend Choice.

Choice is a beautiful lady who lives with me. Her beauty is in the gifts she has showered on me, the gift of freedom to choose and the sense of empowerment. She is a constant companion, a good listener and someone who leads me to feeling worthy and good about myself. Choice has made me the person I am today.

Choice has a cousin called Curiosity who often comes along. Curiosity is fun, she encourages me to explore and seek adventures. She encourages me to consider all sides of what is presented – you know what I mean –

Shall I or shan’t I

Should I or shouldn’t I

Will I or won’t I?

There is also another side of Curiosity – I wonder … I wonder what could happen if …

Once I would opt for the safe alternative, the familiar because I knew what the outcome would be and I was heavily invested in certainty. Now I find myself following the path of “I wonder what could happen, what might happen if ..”

Have you ever been driving along the road only to find yourself at a crossroad with no signpost? Should I go left or should I go right?

We are all faced with these choices every day. Sometimes the choices are relatively non-consequential – perhaps, should we have cake or chocolate? Sometimes the consequences of our choices have long lasting effects – should I take the red pill or the blue pill – as in the Matrix.

Then there are times when I listen to my gut and go with that choice. One of the things I have learned is that when I go with my gut feeling, when I make that choice, everything turns out as it should and I am comfortable with the end result.

When thinking about how Choice has served me in situations like this in the past, I have been so committed to my choice it just felt right, it worked out. There were obstacles along the way and, seemingly, these eventually parted and let me pass.

It is this level of commitment to a goal that moves mountains and gets us to where we want to be, to become the person we need to be so we do what has to be done to get what we want. This level of commitment comes with an inner knowing called Choice.

Choice also has a dark cousin called Regret.

When growing up I was introduced to Edith Piaf who sang Non, je ne regrette rien – No, I regret nothing. I chose to adopt that philosophy then and there. For me, this meant that whatever choice I made, it was for the best at the time and I had only one path forward.

Regret is one of those people who I have chosen to exclude: he is disempowering, parasitic and negative. On top of that he lacks a sense of adventure and is no fun.

Choice is the person who shared with me that we all have choices. We have the choice to choose to stay where we are, to do what we’ve always done and to get the results we have always had OR we can choose to step outside the bounds of our comfort zone, we can choose to give something a go, we can choose to be brave and see what happens, we can choose to be our own best friend and take care of ourselves, we can choose to take a step forward towards something we have always wanted, we can choose to be the person we know we really are and be brave, be courageous, be confident and reach for the stars.

My friend Choice is very powerful and I am grateful to have her on my team.

Are you ready to make a choice – make a time with me to have a chat https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11328808


Talk soon


Coach N Chat with Marg and Claire

What has to happen before you make the decision to move forward?

I was contemplating this question earlier around my writing a blog that focusses on relationships. The first relationship we need to focus on is the relationship we have with ourselves.

In my search I quickly discovered there are loads of people telling us what we should do. What I discovered is that before we do what we should do, we might take a good hard look at just who we are being.

During my search for what I was looking for it came to my notice that I am the only person who knew what I was searching for.

We can easily just float along in life just getting by and blaming everyone and everything for whatever is not going our way. Sitting on the sideline at a sporting event and hurling advice at the players is easy. What does it accomplish?

After some consideration and lots of procrastination I came to the conclusion one of the things I was being is selfish After all, I had spent years and years searching and all the while the answer was inside me.

So where to from here? My first thought was – I need a plan, I need to go somewhere with this. I need to share some of the benefits of what I learned along the way and, perhaps, what might be more powerful is if I were to show people how to find the answer they are seeking.

To this end, I have palled up with my friend Claire and we are running a series of workshops at Marie’s Crystal Cave, Snapper Point, Aldinga Beach. Our first event will take place on Tuesday 2 May at 7pm to 8.30pm. For this to succeed, it is our intention to address the things that are concerning the participants around their personal world. For example, there’s nothing you or I can do about how Donald Trump combs his hair however we can take a look at some of the things we do around some of our issues.

This is a non-judgmental and confidential environment meaning that whatever is said in the environment, stays there.

We all have needs which need to be fulfilled so we get what we want and one of my needs is to make a contribution of my time to others.

So, who’s open to taking a look Details can be found on Meetup Coach N Chat with Marg and Claire.

Looking forward to seeing you there. Marg and Claire.

Negative Nellie

We all know who she is – Negative Nellie is that person in our circle who always sees the downside – her glass is always half empty.

What’s her story? What does she get out of all this? Frankly I find it hard going and avoid her like the plague. I keep telling myself  – She’s not dragging me down that black hole. I’ve been there and I’m staying right away from there.

We read about people suffering from depression and their being on medication all the time. Heaven knows, there are enough TV ads pushing some over-the-counter medication, even for babies. All this tells me is that the pharmaceutical companies are non-discriminatory in their targeting potential customers and the earlier they get them in their clutches, the greater their chances for a long-term customer.

My views are just that – my views and they are based on an overall generalisation and are certainly not aimed at anyone specifically. I believe if someone has gone to the doctor and the doctor has prescribed some medication then I’m sure it’s for a very good reason. I’m equally sure the doctor does monitor his patient’s progress and needs.

I also believe many people are at effect in life and waiting for some-one else to “fix” their problems and I really believe we are all in charge of our own minds and, therefore, our outcomes. So, my first questions for Negative Nellie are –

  • What do you want?
  • What’s your goal?
  • What is the purpose of your being so down on absolutely everything?
  • Where’s the pay-off?

Another of my beliefs is that there is a mind and body connection and when you choose to be negative, when your glass is half empty – that’s all you can see – a half empty glass.

Conversely, when that glass is half full, that’s all you see – the positive side of life, the good stuff and this has rubbed off on those around me – or maybe those around me aren’t the same people they once were.

There are several circles in my life – one is a sewing class I run for the U3A and we have a couple of rules –

  • Absolutely no whinging
  • No putting yourself down – none of this “I can’t do that” etc.
  • Champion the other participants in the class.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep along. Readers’ Digest has been telling us for years that Laughter is the Best Medicine. When we laugh and are happy our bodies release “good-feeling” hormones and we live a happy and fulfilled, fun-loving life.

Negativity is more than just being down about the mouth – it’s pervasive, it’s reflected in the words you use, the way you talk and walk, the things you do (or don’t do), the clothes you wear and how you wear them, the company you keep, the books you read, the music you listen to, the movies you see and so on.

At the end of the day, you are the average of 5 people around you – so take a look at your 5 people. Are they dragging you down that black hole? What’s going on in their world? What need are these people filling for you?

Next time you take a dive in your emotion state and tell yourself how depressed you are, how bad things are I invite you to step back a moment and consider –

  • What was the trigger – that set off this feeling of despair
  • What did I eat to bring this on
  • Whata did I drink to bring this on
  • How have I fuelled my body – physically, emotionally and environmentally
  • What could I do to change things
  • What could I do differently
  • What else
  • What else
  • What else

After all, you are in charge of your mind and therefore your results.

A problem shared can be a problem halved.

Want to discover how you could turn your life around – how about a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just CLICK HERE fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat. How easy is that?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time


Health and Relationship/Life Coach Adelaide

Your New Year’s Resolution

No doubt everyone has been asking you about your New Year’s Resolution and what your plans are for this year. By now many of us have forgotten all about it and it’s business as usual. Whatever you have decided is not important to anyone other than you because your future is really in your hands.
The point is – it’s not what you want to do or not do: it’s what you are doing that will get you to where you want to be, to achieve your goals and, more particularly, who do you need to be to do what you need to do so you can have what you want.
Well you might ask, what exactly does all this mean? Perhaps a little story might help–
Let’s suppose you want to learn a new skill – it doesn’t really matter what it is – it’s just a new skill, maybe something on the computer or maybe you have thought about enrolling in a university course or something at WEA or TAFE.
Perhaps the first thing to consider is the purpose of your undertaking. Have you ever noticed when there is a lot of passion behind whatever it is you have decided to do, everything just seems to flow. Obstacles pop up and you deal with them seemingly without even thinking too much about them and suddenly there is no obstacle. When you are faced with a major frustration in the process, it’s just something you need to deal with and that’s exactly what happens. Conversely when there is little or no passion, every step becomes a chore, it all becomes just too hard and your interest flees.
Have you ever watched a little kid learn to ride a bicycle?
When I was a kid I remember my dad introducing me to bicycle riding. And by way of explanation, I need to tell you I am one of the most unco-ordinated people on earth and I am definitely not an outdoors person, although I do enjoy bushwalking. That aside, when my parents gave me a bike, I obviously had to learn to ride it. We lived in the bush and fortunately for the purpose of learning to ride the bicycle, we had a driveway that stretched for about 500 metres so I had an area to practise on! Well my dad is somewhat mechanical and felt it necessary to explain all about balance and so forth, most of which went right by me. Then it was time to get on the bike and he was very supportive and held the seat and the handlebars so I felt safe and he would run along the driveway like this in the hope that I would eventually get the message to peddle like fury and maintain my balance.
I don’t really know how much weight my dad lost in the process but I do remember he did that for a very long time and then eventually I got the hang of it and once I did, I enjoyed riding my bike along the driveway and beyond. However, there was no passion and I felt it was just one of those things I needed to learn.
My dad was really passionate about teaching his kids some of the necessary life skills and he was certainly committed to teaching me to ride that bike and stuck with it until I got the hang of it.
This is not dissimilar to learning a new habit, you just have to really stick at it until you get the hang of it and then it feels like second nature.
Now who do you think he needed to be to get me to ride that bike? The words I would have chosen are determined, committed and supportive. I also think he was passionate about getting his kids to learn to do different things and master some of the basic life skills. For my part this was a great lesson in learning to be committed to achieving a goal.
Being committed means different things to different people in different circumstances. When I think of people making their New Year’s Resolution I often wonder just how committed they are to achieving what they say they would like to do and perhaps that’s just it – they would like to do something rather than really, really want to do/achieve something. When you really want to achieve something, accomplishing that something is usually fuelled by passion, a passion to achieve, a passion to succeed, a passion to master a skill/new habit.
And then there is the bigger picture. What is the real purpose of your wanting to achieve, what will it give you, what will you be able to do when you have it? Where will that skill take you?
Weight loss is often one of the big topics of discussion at this time of year especially after the spoils of Christmas and having been on holiday, away from routine of work demands and just enjoying yourself and now it’s time to get back into the swing of things again ready for another year and somehow you find that the clothes you wore before have shrunk in the wash or whatever happened to them while they were hiding in the wardrobe over the holiday period.
Weight loss is really not about losing weight – it is more about adopting a lifestyle choice and it’s about nurturing yourself and your body. When you have a healthy body you are more able to look after your kids, you are more likely to be around for them when they really need you. You are able to give so much more because you feel so much fitter and happier within yourself and the last thing on your mind is your weight.
Have you ever considered how your loved ones would manage without you or if you were incapacitated in some way all because you failed to take care of yourself along the way.
Goal setting sounds really corporate and something many of us would prefer not to have to worry about and yet we set goals for everything, sometimes without being conscious of it.
Think about your Christmas shopping – are you the person who leaves it until Christmas Eve and then rushes out to do the shopping in one afternoon just so you can tick that off your list and then come home and collapse in a tattered heap knowing you have yet to do a thousand things before the rellies come for lunch the following day? How does all that leave you feeling? How do you imagine you might feel with a little planning so that the whole exercise felt like an effortless experience and something you could really enjoy, after all Christmas is supposed to be time for family and a time when we can really enjoy other people’s company and relax into the moment.
Sometimes we need someone to champion us along, someone to keep us accountable and someone in whom we can confide every now and again when we think that it’s all getting a bit too much or we find ourselves wondering how we are really going. Sometimes this can be a friend, sometimes your next door neighbour or one of the rellies and often it work better when you have someone completely disconnected to you because they don’t buy into your excuses and help keep you focussed on your goal.
I’m sure most people have heard of SMART goals and yet how does this work for you?
Well one of my goals is to put on a workshop with my friend Claire. This is timed (the T in Smart) for April – we are yet to finalise the date and complete arrangements for the venue. We are working toward this (the second T in Smart) and will publish details closer to the event.
Now, all you buddies out there, I want you to keep us accountable on this because it is also something that can easily slip by and have nothing happen unless we work towards our goal.
If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat. How easy is that?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Until next time
Life Coach Adelaide

Christmas – a testing time of year or a Joyous time of year?

Earlier this month Father Christmas came to Adelaide. As most South Aussies know, on the second Saturday of November each year the children, and those who still retain some of their childhood within, get to taste the joy of giving when the Christmas Pageant heralds the Christmas season.

For some people Christmas can be a time of loneliness, a time when they feel a sense of sadness, perhaps with memories of times gone by or perhaps it’s a time to think about relatives and friends who are no longer with us or, perhaps, it’s a time when they feel inadequate because they are not in a position to really give the things they would really love to give to their loved ones and perhaps they have another reason.

The Christmas Pageant was instigated by the Chairman of John Martins, a department that was in Adelaide in 1931 when many people were having a really tough time and Sir Edward Hayward felt he would like to bring some joy to people’s hearts and to share some good cheer.

Like so many things, Christmas is what you make it and you don’t have to outlay thousands of dollars, to keep up with the Joneses or to be really stressed out just to make it a successful and joyous occasion. It’s a time when we can really give some thought to not just Christmas Day but the Christmas Spirit and the season generally.

The season in South Australia kicks off with the Pageant and lasts for about 2 months – well it seems like that. The shops have their decorations out and many people are organising their parties and cooking for that special person or in some way making the most of what they have to offer. It’s really all about the giving – not the getting, it’s about gratitude and sharing.

One of the things I’m grateful for is the gift of sharing. Over the last couple of days I have visited with my brother who lives interstate and who willingly shares his family with me. This gives me such joy to be a part of their lives and to see the little ones growing and learning, smiling and laughing. I also spent a couple of days with an aged aunt who is such an inspiration to me and someone from whom I feel I can learn some of life’s lessons. One of those lessons is the art of really listening to someone, caring about them and always from a place of being non-judgemental. I trust will be able to be there for others when they need someone to listen, just like my aunt.

Relationships, specifically at this time of year, can easily be tested. Unfortunately when that happens the feelings of hurt and sadness, the sense of loss and grief for what could have been can last forever, that is unless the issues are dealt with quickly and fairly. Ill tempers can be sparked off like a raging bushfire in a nano second over what seems like nothing or nothing important. Well obviously it is important to one of the parties otherwise the situation would not be an issue.

So you might ask – how does one win in such circumstances?

Well, let’s look at what’s going on. Is winning (and winning what) really so important that you are prepared to jeopardise absolutely everything just to be right (or whatever the situation is for you)?

A little while ago a friend told me how she had an issue with a family member and after a little while the family member had been able to put it behind him while she was still hanging on to it. I asked her to think about why she was hanging on to it – for what purpose. After all we all do things for a reason. She didn’t have to share her reason with me, I just asked he to think about it – and after a short while she said she was able to let it go.

This is NOT about letting someone walk over you or bully you or whatever: it’s about respecting yourself and the other person. Respecting yourself is about making your boundaries known and respecting the other person is about honouring their world.

We all know how quickly and sometimes how innocently we can upset someone, especially when one or both of the parties is under stress. We say something, maybe they don’t hear us or they don’t understand what our intention is and, before you know it, there’s a problem. I have found when this happens, just stop for a moment and take a walk in the other person’s shoes, I ask myself how would I like to respond, what do I want at the end of the day, how could I have said it better, what was it that I said to upset them, what did they make what I said mean. When things cool down, have a private chat with the person, apologise if that’s appropriate. Perhaps your gift to the other person could be forgiveness, a little understanding and some tolerance.

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat. How easy is that?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time


Life Coach Adelaide

Thank you God for the birds that sing, thank you God for everything

This session I thought I would like to talk about how grateful I am – for everything.

Since my last post lots of things have happened which really made me count my blessings. The truth is where we are right now just could be the best place to be – which could be why that’s where we are there.

Last month I was fortunate enough to go on a quilting tour which took me to Canada and the US, culminating in three days at Houston Texas where I went to the Houston Quilt Festival. There are over 20 million quilters in the US and, as you can imagine, everything is big in Texas. There were masses of beautiful quilts to admire and a huge number of booths where people where showing and selling their wares.

There were over 40 people on tour and we were extremely fortunate to have an excellent tour guide who ensured everything went smoothly. As anyone who has ever been on tour before will tell you, the tour guide will either make it or break it for the tourist: we were blessed to have an accomplished quilter with us as well who was able to offer some guidance along the way.

Well, as quilters go, many of them are very sedentary and, as a result, are not always very fit and many of them have a sweet tooth! It is my belief that it’s important to remain as fit a possible so I can finish off those quilts and share them around!

It was when I got home and started to settle back into things I began to think how grateful I am to have my health and, yes, I do work at it. Our health is really THE greatest asset we have and absolutely necessary if we are to enjoy life to the fullest.

There was one lady on tour with a crutch to give her support. This lady has a degenerative condition and she was determined to really have a great time – she knows she is on borrowed time and values every waking moment.

There were some other ladies who seemed to be totally oblivious to their state of health and I guess they were living in the moment. I just hope they get to sew all the fabric they purchased before they enjoy their last piece of chocolate cake!

The Friday after I got back was the first day of my sewing group and a couple of the ladies greeted me with their news. Both ladies are in their 70s and have just discovered they have a terminal condition. Both ladies also told me how lucky they are because they have such wonderful husbands to give them the support they need.

Relationships are not always about the good times – there are also the times when the chips are down and these are the times when your relationship is really tested. Often these are the times when your relationship really strengthens and grows.

How often have you heard about someone whose child is gravely ill or something happens – usually to the woman (but not always) and her mate has an affair, becomes abusive or just takes off at the very time he is most needed? Who is he making the relationship all about?

We all have our own ideas of how a good relationship will look and how many of us really understand the value of a great relationship and what does that look like to you? How do you maintain your great relationship? How do you make your great relationship even greater?

We are all here for such a short time and wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all have what we wanted. Sometimes things just don’t pan out the way we would like them to be and then we really need to think about things. We have those questions coming at us – what if it were me? How would I like things to be? How would I like people to think of me? How could I make things better for myself (and others) when I feel down?

The key, I think, likes in our attitude. After all if we don’t like something we need to change it and if we can’t change it, then we need to change our attitude. Whatever it is, we will feel better about the situation when we accept the fact that we do have control over our attitude and we all feel better when we feel good about ourselves. As Wayne Dyer was known to say – when you look at things (and people) differently, they appear different to you.

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time


Life Coach Adelaide

Respect – a vital component to any relationship and especially one that rocks

Respect – a vital component to any relationship and especially one that rocks

The Readers’ Digest Word Power Dictionary defines “respect” as

  1. Noun – a feeling of admiration for someone elicited by their qualities or achievements

Due regard for the feelings or rights of others

  1. Verb – feel or have respect for, avoid harming or interfering with, agree to recognise or abide by.

I think the song goes something like – R E S P E C T – find out what it means to me.

Well, what does it mean to you? Are there people you respect? Who are they? How do you demonstrate that respect? And, just maybe, the meaning to you could be clearer when you think about who or what you don’t respect.

The other day I was in a workshop based around Time to Think © where they explored ten components that made up an effective Thinking Environment.

Afterwards when I was going over the material I thought this is really about having respect, respect for both self and others, be it the organisation, your spouse/partner, the family or just a group of people with a common interest.

The first component was called Attention. This was all about being present and really letting the other person have their say without interruption. Being present means your total attention is on that other person, without judgment, without interruption, without formulating your response before they have completed what they had to say and your eyes are fixed on that person or whatever is acceptable in your culture.

The second component was called Equality – this component related to everyone present being on an equal footing, meaning that, for instance, if your pay packet was larger than the other person’s, that does not mean your views carried more weight on the issue under discussion.  Everyone’s input was equally important.

Ease was about being relaxed in the moment. As we all know, when we are relaxed, the blood flows more easily to our brain and we are able to think and function more effectively. It’s when we are uptight our muscles become tight and the flow suffers. Think about when you find you can’t remember something, what do you do?  Most people seem to go into a state of panic and berate themselves because they can’t remember and then when they have forgotten about the situation and allowed themselves to relax, the answer comes back to them. Being in a state of relaxation can have so many benefits.

Appreciation of what the other person brought to the table was the next component. In a relationship with two people, this could be an acknowledgment of a quality you admire in that person. When the appreciation is delivered the person on the receiving end says “Thank you”. That is all that is required. To go on and explain, substantiate or defend that quality will only negate from the power behind it. When you say “thank you” you acknowledge the other person by showing your appreciation. Appreciation needs to be succinct, sincere and specific. An example may be something like you know, when you really listen to my point of view I feel truly appreciated.

The next component is Encouragement. Everyone needs a bit of encouragement and when we champion the other person, their belief in themselves and their ability becomes stronger and all round everyone wins. After all, when you stop and think about it – how do you feel when your efforts have been championed? I know I’m more likely to line up to have another go, to really go that extra mile and stick with it until I have achieved my goal.

Of course, it’s also vital to have all the correct information, to consider people’s feelings, to ask the right questions and for all this to really come together, being in the right place is important. However these last components can keep until next time. I think when we concentrate on the first five components alone, there is a massive chance your relationship with the other person can only be enhanced. Just take a moment and think how you felt the last time someone gave you their undivided attention without interruption, when you felt totally at ease in the presence of that person you could freely explore the deepest ocean without judgment, when your efforts were encouraged and your contribution was appreciated.

I know when I thought about all that after the workshop, it was really powerful and my experience was that my relationship with the other participants became stronger.

I know how I feel when someone gives me some special one-on-one time to really explore a topic. More importantly, I also know how I feel about that person afterwards and that can be very strong.

You can be sure when you experience a free coaching session with me, you will walk away with some of those feelings too. Coaching is all about championing the client through these sorts of tools, asking some great questions and really giving the client the time and space to think about her issue an to find the answer that is right for her.

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just go to https://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/ fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time


Life Coach Adelaide

Infidelity – how does this impact on you, your relationship and your life generally?

Infidelity – the action or state of being sexually unfaithful – Readers Digest Dictionary.

Is that all it is?

Why do we humans place so much value on being faithful and, yet, if we are to believe what we hear about the recent Ashley Maddison hack, thousands of people choose to be unfaithful.

We are all different with different needs and while many people value being faithful to one person, at least during the course of the relationship because it gives them a feeling of certainty and safety which, in time, becomes a basis for trust, there are other people who thrive on uncertainty, on living on the edge.  These people find it exciting and adventurous. We all have our reasons for doing what we do.

However, when two people have an understanding that they “belong” to each other, there is a commitment to a relationship between them and one person strays for some reason, a promise has been broken, a trust has been breach and there is a misalignment of values. Once the trust has been eroded nothing is ever the same again – after all, if you’ve broken your promise once, who’s to say you won’t do it again? The dynamics between the two people have changed completely and it’s all downhill from there.

I think it all comes down to knowing what you want and being very clear on that. Knowing where your boundaries are and sticking to them, what are the rules in your relationship and what do you expect from both yourself and the other person.

Most of us can remember hearing about Bill Clinton’s indiscretions – and none of us probably knows how Hilary felt about that. I seem to recall a journalist having asked Hilary how she felt at one stage and her response was – Well, you can’t expect an old dog to stay on the porch forever. Personally, I thought that response was pure gold because it quelled all the curiosity and media interest and Hilary did not allow herself to be a victim. Who knows what she really thinks – that’s really her business.

When you have been cheated on naturally you are going to have some feelings about it. So first up, let’s take a look at your values. How important is it to you to have a faithful partner? What does being faithful look like to you? What will that give you? Are you prepared to be faithful to your partner too?

I know how I feel about it but I don’t know how you might feel about it. Perhaps you’re like Hilary or perhaps you have chosen to be the victim in the situation.

There are thousands of reasons why the system under which we live has been set up to promote monogamy and some of those relate to who we are, who our parents were and how we all relate to each other. It is important from the point of view of having children to ensure the blood lines are not too close as this can negatively impact on the health of the child. It can be important for the survival of the family that people team up and stay together to build their empire or whatever. It can be important from an emotional point of view; we like to be stable which allows us to perform and function at a higher level. We like to have support and to know someone cares.

So why do some people stray? Are they bored, are they unhappy? Whatever the reason, it is because a certain need or needs are not being met and the straying person is seeking that need some place else. To use the dog analogy again – it is also said a well fed dog doesn’t stray.

What is infidelity at any rate? I know what the dictionary says about being sexually unfaithful and yet – can it be more than that? Think about the workaholic partner who is totally devoted to his/her work and the other person is left hanging? Is that an act of unfaithfulness or dedication or neglect? It all depends on how you look at it and what’s important to you.

So how do you ensure your partner remains faithful? Personally, after 40+ years of marriage I think it comes down to being totally honest first with yourself about what you want out of the relationship and when you communicate that to the other person and ensure your values are aligned, you usually have a fairly solid base on which to build your house. It’s respect for the other person and yourself and ensuring each of your needs are being met. Be honest and communicate about what’s important to you both, be there for the other person – who knows, we might even call that love.

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just go to https://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/ fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time