Your New Year’s Resolution

No doubt everyone has been asking you about your New Year’s Resolution and what your plans are for this year. By now many of us have forgotten all about it and it’s business as usual. Whatever you have decided is not important to anyone other than you because your future is really in your hands.
The point is – it’s not what you want to do or not do: it’s what you are doing that will get you to where you want to be, to achieve your goals and, more particularly, who do you need to be to do what you need to do so you can have what you want.
Well you might ask, what exactly does all this mean? Perhaps a little story might help–
Let’s suppose you want to learn a new skill – it doesn’t really matter what it is – it’s just a new skill, maybe something on the computer or maybe you have thought about enrolling in a university course or something at WEA or TAFE.
Perhaps the first thing to consider is the purpose of your undertaking. Have you ever noticed when there is a lot of passion behind whatever it is you have decided to do, everything just seems to flow. Obstacles pop up and you deal with them seemingly without even thinking too much about them and suddenly there is no obstacle. When you are faced with a major frustration in the process, it’s just something you need to deal with and that’s exactly what happens. Conversely when there is little or no passion, every step becomes a chore, it all becomes just too hard and your interest flees.
Have you ever watched a little kid learn to ride a bicycle?
When I was a kid I remember my dad introducing me to bicycle riding. And by way of explanation, I need to tell you I am one of the most unco-ordinated people on earth and I am definitely not an outdoors person, although I do enjoy bushwalking. That aside, when my parents gave me a bike, I obviously had to learn to ride it. We lived in the bush and fortunately for the purpose of learning to ride the bicycle, we had a driveway that stretched for about 500 metres so I had an area to practise on! Well my dad is somewhat mechanical and felt it necessary to explain all about balance and so forth, most of which went right by me. Then it was time to get on the bike and he was very supportive and held the seat and the handlebars so I felt safe and he would run along the driveway like this in the hope that I would eventually get the message to peddle like fury and maintain my balance.
I don’t really know how much weight my dad lost in the process but I do remember he did that for a very long time and then eventually I got the hang of it and once I did, I enjoyed riding my bike along the driveway and beyond. However, there was no passion and I felt it was just one of those things I needed to learn.
My dad was really passionate about teaching his kids some of the necessary life skills and he was certainly committed to teaching me to ride that bike and stuck with it until I got the hang of it.
This is not dissimilar to learning a new habit, you just have to really stick at it until you get the hang of it and then it feels like second nature.
Now who do you think he needed to be to get me to ride that bike? The words I would have chosen are determined, committed and supportive. I also think he was passionate about getting his kids to learn to do different things and master some of the basic life skills. For my part this was a great lesson in learning to be committed to achieving a goal.
Being committed means different things to different people in different circumstances. When I think of people making their New Year’s Resolution I often wonder just how committed they are to achieving what they say they would like to do and perhaps that’s just it – they would like to do something rather than really, really want to do/achieve something. When you really want to achieve something, accomplishing that something is usually fuelled by passion, a passion to achieve, a passion to succeed, a passion to master a skill/new habit.
And then there is the bigger picture. What is the real purpose of your wanting to achieve, what will it give you, what will you be able to do when you have it? Where will that skill take you?
Weight loss is often one of the big topics of discussion at this time of year especially after the spoils of Christmas and having been on holiday, away from routine of work demands and just enjoying yourself and now it’s time to get back into the swing of things again ready for another year and somehow you find that the clothes you wore before have shrunk in the wash or whatever happened to them while they were hiding in the wardrobe over the holiday period.
Weight loss is really not about losing weight – it is more about adopting a lifestyle choice and it’s about nurturing yourself and your body. When you have a healthy body you are more able to look after your kids, you are more likely to be around for them when they really need you. You are able to give so much more because you feel so much fitter and happier within yourself and the last thing on your mind is your weight.
Have you ever considered how your loved ones would manage without you or if you were incapacitated in some way all because you failed to take care of yourself along the way.
Goal setting sounds really corporate and something many of us would prefer not to have to worry about and yet we set goals for everything, sometimes without being conscious of it.
Think about your Christmas shopping – are you the person who leaves it until Christmas Eve and then rushes out to do the shopping in one afternoon just so you can tick that off your list and then come home and collapse in a tattered heap knowing you have yet to do a thousand things before the rellies come for lunch the following day? How does all that leave you feeling? How do you imagine you might feel with a little planning so that the whole exercise felt like an effortless experience and something you could really enjoy, after all Christmas is supposed to be time for family and a time when we can really enjoy other people’s company and relax into the moment.
Sometimes we need someone to champion us along, someone to keep us accountable and someone in whom we can confide every now and again when we think that it’s all getting a bit too much or we find ourselves wondering how we are really going. Sometimes this can be a friend, sometimes your next door neighbour or one of the rellies and often it work better when you have someone completely disconnected to you because they don’t buy into your excuses and help keep you focussed on your goal.
I’m sure most people have heard of SMART goals and yet how does this work for you?
Well one of my goals is to put on a workshop with my friend Claire. This is timed (the T in Smart) for April – we are yet to finalise the date and complete arrangements for the venue. We are working toward this (the second T in Smart) and will publish details closer to the event.
Now, all you buddies out there, I want you to keep us accountable on this because it is also something that can easily slip by and have nothing happen unless we work towards our goal.
If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat. How easy is that?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Until next time
Marg
Life Coach Adelaide

Christmas – a testing time of year or a Joyous time of year?

Earlier this month Father Christmas came to Adelaide. As most South Aussies know, on the second Saturday of November each year the children, and those who still retain some of their childhood within, get to taste the joy of giving when the Christmas Pageant heralds the Christmas season.

For some people Christmas can be a time of loneliness, a time when they feel a sense of sadness, perhaps with memories of times gone by or perhaps it’s a time to think about relatives and friends who are no longer with us or, perhaps, it’s a time when they feel inadequate because they are not in a position to really give the things they would really love to give to their loved ones and perhaps they have another reason.

The Christmas Pageant was instigated by the Chairman of John Martins, a department that was in Adelaide in 1931 when many people were having a really tough time and Sir Edward Hayward felt he would like to bring some joy to people’s hearts and to share some good cheer.

Like so many things, Christmas is what you make it and you don’t have to outlay thousands of dollars, to keep up with the Joneses or to be really stressed out just to make it a successful and joyous occasion. It’s a time when we can really give some thought to not just Christmas Day but the Christmas Spirit and the season generally.

The season in South Australia kicks off with the Pageant and lasts for about 2 months – well it seems like that. The shops have their decorations out and many people are organising their parties and cooking for that special person or in some way making the most of what they have to offer. It’s really all about the giving – not the getting, it’s about gratitude and sharing.

One of the things I’m grateful for is the gift of sharing. Over the last couple of days I have visited with my brother who lives interstate and who willingly shares his family with me. This gives me such joy to be a part of their lives and to see the little ones growing and learning, smiling and laughing. I also spent a couple of days with an aged aunt who is such an inspiration to me and someone from whom I feel I can learn some of life’s lessons. One of those lessons is the art of really listening to someone, caring about them and always from a place of being non-judgemental. I trust will be able to be there for others when they need someone to listen, just like my aunt.

Relationships, specifically at this time of year, can easily be tested. Unfortunately when that happens the feelings of hurt and sadness, the sense of loss and grief for what could have been can last forever, that is unless the issues are dealt with quickly and fairly. Ill tempers can be sparked off like a raging bushfire in a nano second over what seems like nothing or nothing important. Well obviously it is important to one of the parties otherwise the situation would not be an issue.

So you might ask – how does one win in such circumstances?

Well, let’s look at what’s going on. Is winning (and winning what) really so important that you are prepared to jeopardise absolutely everything just to be right (or whatever the situation is for you)?

A little while ago a friend told me how she had an issue with a family member and after a little while the family member had been able to put it behind him while she was still hanging on to it. I asked her to think about why she was hanging on to it – for what purpose. After all we all do things for a reason. She didn’t have to share her reason with me, I just asked he to think about it – and after a short while she said she was able to let it go.

This is NOT about letting someone walk over you or bully you or whatever: it’s about respecting yourself and the other person. Respecting yourself is about making your boundaries known and respecting the other person is about honouring their world.

We all know how quickly and sometimes how innocently we can upset someone, especially when one or both of the parties is under stress. We say something, maybe they don’t hear us or they don’t understand what our intention is and, before you know it, there’s a problem. I have found when this happens, just stop for a moment and take a walk in the other person’s shoes, I ask myself how would I like to respond, what do I want at the end of the day, how could I have said it better, what was it that I said to upset them, what did they make what I said mean. When things cool down, have a private chat with the person, apologise if that’s appropriate. Perhaps your gift to the other person could be forgiveness, a little understanding and some tolerance.

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat. How easy is that?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time

Marg

Life Coach Adelaide

Thank you God for the birds that sing, thank you God for everything

This session I thought I would like to talk about how grateful I am – for everything.

Since my last post lots of things have happened which really made me count my blessings. The truth is where we are right now just could be the best place to be – which could be why that’s where we are there.

Last month I was fortunate enough to go on a quilting tour which took me to Canada and the US, culminating in three days at Houston Texas where I went to the Houston Quilt Festival. There are over 20 million quilters in the US and, as you can imagine, everything is big in Texas. There were masses of beautiful quilts to admire and a huge number of booths where people where showing and selling their wares.

There were over 40 people on tour and we were extremely fortunate to have an excellent tour guide who ensured everything went smoothly. As anyone who has ever been on tour before will tell you, the tour guide will either make it or break it for the tourist: we were blessed to have an accomplished quilter with us as well who was able to offer some guidance along the way.

Well, as quilters go, many of them are very sedentary and, as a result, are not always very fit and many of them have a sweet tooth! It is my belief that it’s important to remain as fit a possible so I can finish off those quilts and share them around!

It was when I got home and started to settle back into things I began to think how grateful I am to have my health and, yes, I do work at it. Our health is really THE greatest asset we have and absolutely necessary if we are to enjoy life to the fullest.

There was one lady on tour with a crutch to give her support. This lady has a degenerative condition and she was determined to really have a great time – she knows she is on borrowed time and values every waking moment.

There were some other ladies who seemed to be totally oblivious to their state of health and I guess they were living in the moment. I just hope they get to sew all the fabric they purchased before they enjoy their last piece of chocolate cake!

The Friday after I got back was the first day of my sewing group and a couple of the ladies greeted me with their news. Both ladies are in their 70s and have just discovered they have a terminal condition. Both ladies also told me how lucky they are because they have such wonderful husbands to give them the support they need.

Relationships are not always about the good times – there are also the times when the chips are down and these are the times when your relationship is really tested. Often these are the times when your relationship really strengthens and grows.

How often have you heard about someone whose child is gravely ill or something happens – usually to the woman (but not always) and her mate has an affair, becomes abusive or just takes off at the very time he is most needed? Who is he making the relationship all about?

We all have our own ideas of how a good relationship will look and how many of us really understand the value of a great relationship and what does that look like to you? How do you maintain your great relationship? How do you make your great relationship even greater?

We are all here for such a short time and wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all have what we wanted. Sometimes things just don’t pan out the way we would like them to be and then we really need to think about things. We have those questions coming at us – what if it were me? How would I like things to be? How would I like people to think of me? How could I make things better for myself (and others) when I feel down?

The key, I think, likes in our attitude. After all if we don’t like something we need to change it and if we can’t change it, then we need to change our attitude. Whatever it is, we will feel better about the situation when we accept the fact that we do have control over our attitude and we all feel better when we feel good about ourselves. As Wayne Dyer was known to say – when you look at things (and people) differently, they appear different to you.

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time

Marg

Life Coach Adelaide

Respect – a vital component to any relationship and especially one that rocks

Respect – a vital component to any relationship and especially one that rocks

The Readers’ Digest Word Power Dictionary defines “respect” as

  1. Noun – a feeling of admiration for someone elicited by their qualities or achievements

Due regard for the feelings or rights of others

  1. Verb – feel or have respect for, avoid harming or interfering with, agree to recognise or abide by.

I think the song goes something like – R E S P E C T – find out what it means to me.

Well, what does it mean to you? Are there people you respect? Who are they? How do you demonstrate that respect? And, just maybe, the meaning to you could be clearer when you think about who or what you don’t respect.

The other day I was in a workshop based around Time to Think © where they explored ten components that made up an effective Thinking Environment.

Afterwards when I was going over the material I thought this is really about having respect, respect for both self and others, be it the organisation, your spouse/partner, the family or just a group of people with a common interest.

The first component was called Attention. This was all about being present and really letting the other person have their say without interruption. Being present means your total attention is on that other person, without judgment, without interruption, without formulating your response before they have completed what they had to say and your eyes are fixed on that person or whatever is acceptable in your culture.

The second component was called Equality – this component related to everyone present being on an equal footing, meaning that, for instance, if your pay packet was larger than the other person’s, that does not mean your views carried more weight on the issue under discussion.  Everyone’s input was equally important.

Ease was about being relaxed in the moment. As we all know, when we are relaxed, the blood flows more easily to our brain and we are able to think and function more effectively. It’s when we are uptight our muscles become tight and the flow suffers. Think about when you find you can’t remember something, what do you do?  Most people seem to go into a state of panic and berate themselves because they can’t remember and then when they have forgotten about the situation and allowed themselves to relax, the answer comes back to them. Being in a state of relaxation can have so many benefits.

Appreciation of what the other person brought to the table was the next component. In a relationship with two people, this could be an acknowledgment of a quality you admire in that person. When the appreciation is delivered the person on the receiving end says “Thank you”. That is all that is required. To go on and explain, substantiate or defend that quality will only negate from the power behind it. When you say “thank you” you acknowledge the other person by showing your appreciation. Appreciation needs to be succinct, sincere and specific. An example may be something like you know, when you really listen to my point of view I feel truly appreciated.

The next component is Encouragement. Everyone needs a bit of encouragement and when we champion the other person, their belief in themselves and their ability becomes stronger and all round everyone wins. After all, when you stop and think about it – how do you feel when your efforts have been championed? I know I’m more likely to line up to have another go, to really go that extra mile and stick with it until I have achieved my goal.

Of course, it’s also vital to have all the correct information, to consider people’s feelings, to ask the right questions and for all this to really come together, being in the right place is important. However these last components can keep until next time. I think when we concentrate on the first five components alone, there is a massive chance your relationship with the other person can only be enhanced. Just take a moment and think how you felt the last time someone gave you their undivided attention without interruption, when you felt totally at ease in the presence of that person you could freely explore the deepest ocean without judgment, when your efforts were encouraged and your contribution was appreciated.

I know when I thought about all that after the workshop, it was really powerful and my experience was that my relationship with the other participants became stronger.

I know how I feel when someone gives me some special one-on-one time to really explore a topic. More importantly, I also know how I feel about that person afterwards and that can be very strong.

You can be sure when you experience a free coaching session with me, you will walk away with some of those feelings too. Coaching is all about championing the client through these sorts of tools, asking some great questions and really giving the client the time and space to think about her issue an to find the answer that is right for her.

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just go to https://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/ fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time

Marg

Life Coach Adelaide

Infidelity – how does this impact on you, your relationship and your life generally?

Infidelity – the action or state of being sexually unfaithful – Readers Digest Dictionary.

Is that all it is?

Why do we humans place so much value on being faithful and, yet, if we are to believe what we hear about the recent Ashley Maddison hack, thousands of people choose to be unfaithful.

We are all different with different needs and while many people value being faithful to one person, at least during the course of the relationship because it gives them a feeling of certainty and safety which, in time, becomes a basis for trust, there are other people who thrive on uncertainty, on living on the edge.  These people find it exciting and adventurous. We all have our reasons for doing what we do.

However, when two people have an understanding that they “belong” to each other, there is a commitment to a relationship between them and one person strays for some reason, a promise has been broken, a trust has been breach and there is a misalignment of values. Once the trust has been eroded nothing is ever the same again – after all, if you’ve broken your promise once, who’s to say you won’t do it again? The dynamics between the two people have changed completely and it’s all downhill from there.

I think it all comes down to knowing what you want and being very clear on that. Knowing where your boundaries are and sticking to them, what are the rules in your relationship and what do you expect from both yourself and the other person.

Most of us can remember hearing about Bill Clinton’s indiscretions – and none of us probably knows how Hilary felt about that. I seem to recall a journalist having asked Hilary how she felt at one stage and her response was – Well, you can’t expect an old dog to stay on the porch forever. Personally, I thought that response was pure gold because it quelled all the curiosity and media interest and Hilary did not allow herself to be a victim. Who knows what she really thinks – that’s really her business.

When you have been cheated on naturally you are going to have some feelings about it. So first up, let’s take a look at your values. How important is it to you to have a faithful partner? What does being faithful look like to you? What will that give you? Are you prepared to be faithful to your partner too?

I know how I feel about it but I don’t know how you might feel about it. Perhaps you’re like Hilary or perhaps you have chosen to be the victim in the situation.

There are thousands of reasons why the system under which we live has been set up to promote monogamy and some of those relate to who we are, who our parents were and how we all relate to each other. It is important from the point of view of having children to ensure the blood lines are not too close as this can negatively impact on the health of the child. It can be important for the survival of the family that people team up and stay together to build their empire or whatever. It can be important from an emotional point of view; we like to be stable which allows us to perform and function at a higher level. We like to have support and to know someone cares.

So why do some people stray? Are they bored, are they unhappy? Whatever the reason, it is because a certain need or needs are not being met and the straying person is seeking that need some place else. To use the dog analogy again – it is also said a well fed dog doesn’t stray.

What is infidelity at any rate? I know what the dictionary says about being sexually unfaithful and yet – can it be more than that? Think about the workaholic partner who is totally devoted to his/her work and the other person is left hanging? Is that an act of unfaithfulness or dedication or neglect? It all depends on how you look at it and what’s important to you.

So how do you ensure your partner remains faithful? Personally, after 40+ years of marriage I think it comes down to being totally honest first with yourself about what you want out of the relationship and when you communicate that to the other person and ensure your values are aligned, you usually have a fairly solid base on which to build your house. It’s respect for the other person and yourself and ensuring each of your needs are being met. Be honest and communicate about what’s important to you both, be there for the other person – who knows, we might even call that love.

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just go to https://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/ fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time

Marg

Goal Setting

Goal setting has always sounded lofty and corporate-like to me and something I shied away from – well, consciously that is.  I never really understood the power of this amazing tool and yet I was already using it in some ways.  Funny how life is sometimes!

For instance, I always knew I wanted to travel.  I didn’t know why I wanted to travel except, perhaps, because my favourite aunt had travelled and I just wanted to be like her. She always seemed to be together somehow and that’s one of the things I definitely wanted to be – together. I had no idea what lay in store for me – I just knew it was something I had to do – already my strong desire (need) is coming through.

My first step was to go to Darwin where I met my husband.  When he popped the question, I remember telling him there were two conditions – one of which was that I wanted to travel and if we were to get married, we would be travelling overseas.  I think he wondered what he had struck but I was so committed to this goal nothing was going to get in my way.

At different times I’m sure most people have read something about goal setting and while some people actually commit themselves to that goal, many people are more inclined to be complacent, lie back and let life happen to them. These are the very same people who tell the goal setters how lucky they are because …. Meaning the goal setter has whatever it is the laid back person would like to have just fall into his lap.

Now I think the lucky person is the person who knows what she wants because all too often people float through life without knowing what they want. Knowing what you want is a vital part of any goal – after all if you don’t know what you want – how on earth will you know when you’ve got it – or not?

Before we start setting goals, the most fundamental thing to get on top of is WHY. Why is this goal important to you? What is your purpose? What is your purpose in achieving this goal? What will this goal give you? What won’t it give you? What will it not give you and what won’t it not give you?

It’s probably worth noting that whatever we do, we do for a reason, be it conscious or unconscious. We do what we do to satisfy or fulfil a need. Not all goals need be lofty and gung-ho. In fact, most goals are really mundane. For example, what is your purpose in turning on a tap? Perhaps you’re thirsty and want a drink of water or perhaps you just want to soak in the bath after an exacting day in the garden. Everything we do, we do for a purpose, to fulfil a need, a want, a desire.

The purposeful goals are the ones we set on purpose – that is with a conscious purpose in mind. One of my goals is to help as many people as I can help themselves achieve their goals and really get to know themselves, to understand what’s blocking their progress, to help them overcome obstacles and come to terms with what they truly want out of life. The point is we only have one shot t life so it’s important to make the most of it, regardless of when we start. I’ve had people tell me they are too old to change – I say “fiddledee” to that – what has age got to do with someone achieving fulfilment and satisfaction in their lives? Right now is the only time that matters. What’s one small step you could take right now that would start your journey on the rest of your life. Wasn’t it Confucius who said that the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step?

Recently one of my friends passed away aged just 65. This lady was the essence of love and the funeral parlour was packed to the rafters with her friends and family. What was it about this lady that generated such a following? My experience in her presence was pure love and that was her legacy.

We all come for a purpose and some of us are fast workers while others take a little longer. Some time ago I met this lady who had recently lost a baby after a couple of days. She was telling me how the little girl had given her the greatest gift of all, the gift of love experienced between a mother and child. This was something the lady told me she never thought she would experience. How absolutely amazing to think the little baby made that long journey for the sole purpose of bringing that gift of love to her mother before departing this earthly life.

So let me ask you – what’s your purpose? Where are you going? Are you going alone or are you looking for a travelling companion?

If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just go to http://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/ fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time

Marg

Life Coach Adelaide

The Value of a Good Friend

The Value of a Good Friend

This month we have heard how Buddy Franklin has been coping (or not coping) with depression and how the Sydney Swans has come out to support him. Personally, I think Buddy Franklin is a brave and courageous individual for having taken this step because it is not always easy to ask people for help when things are getting you down.

Many people who have been down this path have shared with me about how alone they felt and how lonely they are. People need people and the people who have people (meaning good support from those around them) are the luckiest people in the world.

With the advent of social media news is flashed round the globe faster than the speed of light and very often people don’t have the time to really sit and listen with someone, they don’t take the time to be still and t really shower themselves with the luxury of really getting to know and understand the other person. All too often the focus is on the sensationalism of the moment.

Personally, I am not privy to the depth of Buddy Franklin’s despair or what his needs are, however, I do understand how much it helps to have someone listen to how you’re feeling and to give you a little time. Very often the sad person is not looking to have the listener “kiss it and make it all better” but to just listen, to really listen and when this happens the talker feels better because someone has taken the time to listen, to make that time all about the talker and not about the listener. To just listen and really hear what the talker has to say and to hear what is not being said can be really powerful.

For many people, it’s not always easy to listen without judgment with the subsequent apportionment of evaluation about the talker. How often have you heard someone say – you want to watch out for so and so because once they bail you up …?

It’s not always convenient to just stop and chat and when you find yourself in this situation all you really need to do is to explain your current situation briefly and then make a time when you have more time to really give to that person. Sometimes you might like to explain this by saying something like … and this will give us the opportunity to have a really good talk. This way the talker will feel heard and you, the listener, will have the chance to be more relaxed and give the talker the time she needs to be heard.

Once many people came from larger families or they lived in a village where there were people who had time to stop and chat however the days of the extended family have gone for many westerners and we need to find a substitute for that family time, that old uncle or gran who often had more time to just listen.

Sometimes just talking about a problem or something that is an issue for you is all that’s needed. When someone has been able to slow down and talk, very often a way forward will come to that person – it’s as though by actually verbalising the concern, it has somehow makes everything clearer.

Many people tend to really stew over an issue in their head which can lead to lack of sleep, poor eating habits and generally dysfunctioning bodies and minds. This can mean they become irritable and unsocial or it may mean they resort to some external substance to “make the problem go away” and so the downward spiral is propelled to the bottom of the abyss. When this behaviour goes on for a long time, it can also lead to chronic illness.

Once at the bottom of the abyss, many people then continue doing things which only exacerbate the problem and their people support falls away because the people in their lives who really care are at their wits end and feel the need to protect themselves – after they have stuff going on as well.

So where to from here?

The talker is often crying out for help the only way she knows how. Next time you see someone who needs a bit of help, a shoulder or an ear, just ask them if they are OK and make the time to really listen, to share, to be and I wonder what you will notice first – maybe a sense of peace, maybe a sense of giving, maybe a glimmer of hope, maybe a way forward.

I remember when we were kids, my mum used to tell us about

a wise old owl who sat on an oak

the more he heard

the less he spoke

the less he spoke, the more he heard

oh, why can’t we be like that wise old bird

Let me know when you’re ready to explore this – I’d love to hear from you http://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/

 

Until next time

 

Marg

The Power of Being in the Moment – A major key to having a Relationship that Truly Rocks

A few weeks ago I went to a seminar where an actor was talking about the power of being in the moment, of being in the zone and it really came home to me how powerful that gift can be.

Why is this important – what’s the big deal – you might ask.

Let me ask you – have you ever found yourself in the situation where you’re talking to someone and they’re doing something else while they assure you they ARE listening to you? How did that experience leave you feeling at that moment?

I know this has happened to me on numerous occasions and I was left with the feeling the other person didn’t really care, I felt discounted and walked away.

When I’m having a conversation with someone, be it a friend, my husband, a client or whomever, I like to think I’m giving them my full attention because whatever they are telling me is important to them. They want to be heard. They want to feel they have been understood and when all this happens the relationship takes on a new dimension because the trust level between the two people has been raised. The energy flow increases and, I have found with my husband especially, the relationship is enriched. I guess I’ve had longer to practise with him! Making time for someone is a precious gift and when you do this, the bond between you is made stronger.

Many people find themselves alone at times and even more people are lonely. It’s the lonely people who are missing out on the benefit of this gift and some people will do extraordinary things just to be noticed. I often wonder how things could be different if someone were to really give them some special time and to share the gift of being there, in the moment, with them.

What does this look like – how would I recognise the situation – you may ask yourself.

Let’s say you’re on a date with someone you have recently met. This person hasn’t really swept you off your feet, but, hey, it’s early days yet and you want to get to know him a bit better before you really make up your mind whether to take things further or not. While you’re talking to him he suddenly decides it’s time to check his email and then he takes a phone call – well that happens, you say to yourself – perhaps it was important. Then he’s off the phone and your conversation resumes – you start to chat again but he is pre-occupied, looking around the room and constantly looking over your shoulder. Then you ask him a question – thinking this might bring him back to the lunch table – only to be totally let down when he responds with some totally “off the planet” type answer and you just know he hasn’t heard a word you said. How does that leave you feeling?

I have a friend who is really very unwell and yesterday I went to see her in hospital. We’d arranged I would pop over and give her a foot massage. When I arrived there were a number of people in the room and she asked them all to leave so I could give her the massage. By doing this, she gave herself the opportunity of being totally in the moment, to enjoy the moment, the touch and the chat that always goes with something like that and when I left I felt I had been given a precious gift, I felt even closer to her and I was left with the understanding of what a truly gracious lady she is. This is her legacy to the world.

How do we create these magic moments? Well, as I see it, it’s all about focus. You get what you focus on so why not focus on what you want.

When I have a client come to see me, my whole focus is on the client – it’s all about the client, it’s all about listening t what is being said and what is not being said, it’ about honouring and respecting that other person’s world, really seeing where they’re coming from, what it is they want and why they feel they don’t have it already.

How do you do this – this time together is all about them. Whatever is happening in my world has nothing to do with what they are telling me and I direct my question around their topic, what’s important to them, to explore it further and deeper. When you find yourself in the situation that the time is not appropriate, make a special time for that person so they have the luxury of your undivided attention and that way everyone wins.

This has the effect of valuing the other person and really championing them. After all, who knows who they know and your current interaction with the person before you could lead you to someone who really presses your buttons, it could lead to a greater understanding of the issues facing the person in front of you and it could just give that person an experience to remember.

While listening recently to an interview with a dating coach when he was relaying his experience of internet dating he told the story about meeting this lady and after some initial chatting on the phone he took her out to a restaurant. He said he felt a bit let down because she had clearly lied about somethings, including her weight, obviously to make her seem more attractive than she saw herself. However, as he explained, he felt he had seen a different side of her during their telephone chats and it was his responsibility to make the experience of the date really work, an experience where they would enjoy the experience and he made the evening all about her.

So what if – what if next time when you find yourself in a situation where you feel you are getting a raw deal, you took the lead and turned everything around to make the experience all about the other person, I wonder who will be left with the greatest gift.

Remember, when you love yourself enough, that feeling will be projected onto others and reflected back to you.

Let me know when you’re ready to explore this – I’d love to hear from you http://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/

 

Until next time

 

Marg

Your Gift

Why are you here?

Have you come for a purpose?

I think we all come for a purpose, we all have work to do and gifts to leave, to share and enjoy.

I have just read Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life – How to Finally, Really Grow Up by James Hollis. One of the questions he puts to the reader at the end is

Where has life blessed you, given you a gift? And what have you done with that gift? How have you accepted the responsibility that goes with it?

WOW is that powerful or is THAT powerful?

We all have our own gift to share and I feel we all have a responsibility to share that gift and to teach others the value that gift brings.

Now I’m thinking about my sister-in-law – she and my brother have 4 adult children, each of whom is now making their own way in life.

My sister-in-law is a home-maker. She used to live in northern NSW where she had a beautiful garden over acres of land. The garden was a real credit to her and one of her passions.

Her other passion is her children. Sister-in-law is also a primary school teacher which gives her an outlet for her gift. However, I feel her real gift has been bestowed on her own children, all of whom present to the world as being well-balanced, responsible young people who, in turn, love their families and are now sharing that same gift.

It’s the gift of love – a love that nurtures and supports, empowers and promotes understanding and acceptance. The members of that arm of the family are all different from each other and the rest of the world – as we all are and yet there is that feeling of being home when I’m around them and I see it when others are in their midst as well.

Why is all this important – how can it help me, you might ask.

While we all have our hurdles in life to negotiate, I feel having a safe and supportive home (base or whatever you may call it) is a healthy positive and essential component of wellbeing. We need this to give us the space to recharge our batteries, to heal our wounds and to recover from life’s challenges we all face on a daily basis.

Being able to have a safe environment in which we can share our losses, our challenges, our knock-backs and whatever else, gives us the opportunity to regroup, to rebuild and get up when we’re knocked down, to get out of bed the next day and have another go.

When we have purpose in life, we are on a mission, we have direction, a reason to get up and have another go, to make our contribution to the world and to leave an awesome legacy.

And how do we go about all this? What do we do, who do we need to be?

When we know what it is we want, we have something to focus on and since we all get what we focus on, it makes sense to focus on what we want.

And the question is –

Who do you need to be, to do what you need to do so you can have what you want?

Let me know when you’re ready to explore this – I’d love to hear from you.

Talk soon

 

Marg

A little ray of sunshine

A little ray of sunshine can really make a difference.

As I sit here sipping my tea the sun is shining and it occurred to me how light I felt. The energy from the sun can really make a world of difference to how we feel … inside.

Recently I had some tests done which revealed my Vitamin D was low and this meant a visit to the GP to have the situation remedied. I thought I was doing OK and getting enough sunshine since I go walking and other stuff outside, however it seems my efforts were not enough. Things change as we age and sometimes for the better and sometimes not so. We need to take care of ourselves.

After the first dose of Vitamin D I felt super-charged – and that’s just how I feel this morning with the sun shining on my window and bringing warmth and the promise of Spring. Even my husband’s canaries understand what this is all about and he proudly announced to me the other day that he has one “grand-birdie” in the nest already.

The energy the sun provides is a true gift and it’s this energy I wanted to touch on today.

When we feel good about ourselves we want to spread the good around – whatever that means to you.

For me, this is an ideal time to toss aside the dreariness of winter, a time for regeneration and moving forward. That could mean it’s time to clean up your house, your bad habits or just get your tax done. Basically it’s time to get off the couch and take care of yourself.

What does it take to be happy, to love yourself enough to really be the person you know you deserve to be? For some it may be a massage and for some it may be a new relationship, for others it could be a time to really assess where you are right now and clean out those dark and energy-draining states of mind some of us have from time to time. You are no doubt more than well aware that we store all those negative things in our bodies and when they have been stored for too long they can manifest into big black holes bringing their own downsides with them.

Now that it’s Spring and the sun is shining, let’s get rid of all that stuff that sucks the energy from our being and reward ourselves with a gift of promise and possibility, a gift of love and laughter, an opportunity to really make a contribution and grow within ourselves and truly be the person we were put on this earth to be. Time is running out and we have work to do.

I’d be glad to hear your views and remember – be kind to yourself – you are the best friend you have.

Talk soon

Marg

https://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/