Have you ever experienced a time when the battery in your car went flat? Maybe you left the lights on when you parked the car or perhaps the battery just expired.
That can also happen to each of us. Sometimes we are so busy with life that we forget to take care of ourselves and this can lead to catastrophic results.
Prolonged stress, for example, can manifest in different ways in our bodies from chronic heart problems to obesity to infertility and beyond. The answer is not as easy as just taking a stress pill – something from outside us.
Everything starts with a thought. We all have thousands of thoughts a day – some of them are fleeting thoughts and are gone as quickly as they came and some of them stay a little longer, while others never seem to leave us.
Some of these longer staying thoughts, after filtering through our own unique internal sieves, evoke specific emotions, that is, they leave us feeling really good about ourselves or, sometimes, not so good. And what happens then – we do something, we take action.
Let’s take a look at an example. Mary works in an office in the city. She has a particularly stressful position with people making demands on her time from the moment she gets in the office door – everyone wants her to make something happen for their benefit and they all want it NOW!. Mary is a particularly diligent person who makes it one of her top priorities to keep all these people (her customer) happy and it seems the more she does the more they want and expect.
In order for Mary to do what she needs to do to keep her customers happy, she frequently works solidly from the moment she gets to the office, and this is frequently at 7.30 am, until she leaves at 6pm. Mary then goes to class a couple of days a week because she is keen to improve her skills and her knowledge t better serve her customers which, in turn, will give her greater job satisfaction. Mary then has a long commute home to her family.
The problem with all this is that while Mary has been taking excellent care of her customers she has overlooked her family and, more importantly, herself. She is totally run down and her power of reasoning is becoming affected, her friends are withdrawing because she doesn’t always have time to do the things they like to do and life at home is fragile.
Then Mary decides to take a holiday to a far off place where there is no electricity which means everyone retires early. There are no cell phones, no TV, and no radio at her disposal. All Mary has to do is enjoy the moment. Her meals are prepared for her, the other people on tour are like-minded so she has stimulating conversation – essentially the most stressful thing she has to do is get out of bed in the morning and enjoy her day.
When Mary comes home from her holiday she is bright, happy, full of life and energy – she is her old self and ready to go.
Let me ask you – how bad does it have to get before you do something about your situation and about taking care of yourself?
Last month I went to Lord Howe Island on a walking tour for a week. Lord Howe Island is an island (actually it’s the top f an old volcanic mountain) 500 kms east of Port Macquarie in NSW. The air and the water is pristine, the scenery is breathtaking, there’s good walking every day if you want, the food is wholesome and, generally, a great place to recharge your batteries.
However you do it, taking good care of yourself is paramount. It’s all about loving yourself enough to do what you need to do so you can have what you want – and that will be different for each of us. However, most people want to be happy, healthy and loved.
Need some help working out your personal priorities? We all need help at some stage. Not sure – give yourself a gift and take a free strategy session –- http://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/
And remember, every champion deserves a great coach – why not you?
Life Coach Adelaide
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have it all, everything seems to be working for them – you know, nice house, great kids, nice car, live in the right suburb, great company, happy people – and others never seem to get it off the ground.
So what is the difference – the difference that makes the difference?
Let’s take a look at our beliefs and values – those things that are really important to us. When something is really important to us we will defend it to the hilt. Think about something that is important to you – how do you feel when that special something is threatened? What if it is your family, what would you do to take care of your family?
When I was growing up my ad had several jobs so we three children could have a better shot at life. My dad was a farmer with a very small holding and he worked the land. He had sheep and cows and grew crops. The farm was not large enough to sustain a reasonable living and so my dad also share-farmed the land which belonged to other people. He also did earth moving work and drove trucks because it was important to him to give his kids a good education and a strong work ethic so we could make our way in the world.
When you look at nature, the parents of nature’s babies take care of them and nurture them and give them the best they can so they have the best chance possible to make it in life.
Now imagine for a moment there is something you really feel strongly about – perhaps it’s being the best in your field, whether it’s the best sales person, the best athlete, the best race-car driver or whatever. How far would you go to achieve your goal? How committed would you be? Would you be the person who stuck at it no matter what or would you give up after something went wrong or got in your way? What is the purpose of your goal? What is driving you? What is your WHY – the purpose behind your goal?
And then we come to our mindset – the way we think about things and ourselves. We surround ourselves with like-minded people who support us in our quest. We learn these things from our parents and other role models in our life. Right from our earliest days we pick up on beliefs and values and our mindset begins to develop.
Humans have a need to belong, to feel loved and accepted and when our needs are met we generally perform accordingly. Think about a gang – to successfully belong to a gang the members will do whatever the gang demands so they belong. Sometimes this may be socially unacceptable however the same rules apply – the reason behind their doing what they do is so they belong and are accepted.
The same applies in all team situations. Look at the footballers, for example. They all need to perform as one and support each other to win. When we behave in a way that offends the group, the group will ostracize the offender. Likewise, when we do something the group admires or approves of, we are rewarded – look at the movie stars.
Sometimes it’s easy to look outside our world and only see the gloss on the top and dismiss someone’s success by telling ourselves that they were lucky. Most people who are an overnight success took ten years or more to reach that level and it is the person they became during the process that is what gives them the edge.
When we were kids my siblings were often off with my dad doing outside farm things and they subsequently developed a value system and mindset like his whereas my talents were more like my mother’s. These changed later when I adopted a different role model and moved into another group – when I went to boarding school, when I went to work, when I moved in different circles.
So when we adopt beliefs and value and a mindset that serve us, we will succeed at whatever we want. The real trick is to first know what we want and then to become the person we need to be, to do what has to be done so we can have what we want.
Like to explore this some more – http://www.marghobby.com.au/free-coaching-session/
And remember, every champion deserves a great coach – why not you?
At times I’ve been accused of forgetting some of the niceties in life and, of course, this can come with a cost. It’s easy for us to extend a pleasantry and it’s easy for us to not do so. There can be several reasons for doing so ranging from being so totally focussed on the subject at hand to a negative feeling toward the other person.
When we fail to acknowledge another person they may feel discounted – it all depends on what’s going on their head at the time. It doesn’t really take much effort to acknowledge someone and when we do they feel validated, they start to think about us, to think about how much they like being around us, what great things we’ve done – after all, everyone wants to be associated with a winner, how we may be able to help them with a project or, perhaps, how good they feel when we offer a cheery hello – how their world has lit up like it does as soon as the days begin to get a little longer and the sun a little brighter in the Spring.
None of us is a mind-reader and so we are therefore not able to see what’s going on in other’s heads, we don’t know if they’ve just had an argument with someone and are feeling bad about themselves or if they’ve just buried their best friend or, indeed, if they have just celebrated a momentous occasion.
It’s when we fail to acknowledge that person, that little voice starts off in their head. Most people are focussed on themselves more than anything else and when we have not offered a pleasantry they start to tell themselves a host of things like –
- She doesn’t like me
- She thinks she’s too good to talk to me
- She doesn’t think I’m good enough
- She doesn’t think I’m worthy enough
And so the list goes on and they continue to build their story. You might ask – well, what’s all this got to do with me? Fair question.
So when this happens at work and the manager fails to acknowledge the efforts of one of his team members after a while the team member (and more likely many of the team members as they all talk in the tea room or wherever) begins to put less effort into his work and a “them and us” mentality begins to develop. After some time – and for some it may be a long time and for others not so long – their productivity begins to fall off, they begin to resent the job, the place of work, the manager and/or a host of other things when all along they really resent themselves.
What is the cost to the manager? Possibly nothing in the short term but long term the cost can become insurmountable.
What about a family situation – one member of the family failed to acknowledge the help of another and before too long there is an on-going feud where people are not talking to each other and a massive rift sets in.
What was the cost of a simple “thank you – I’m so grateful for your help? Or some similar comment. More particularly, who is paying for that omission?
What is an acknowledgement, a pleasantry?
Basically it’s like a front door and when it’s open the people inside seem to be welcoming you in and when it’s shut, there is no communication, no welcome, nothing.
Think about this for a moment – when you go to your favourite shop, it may be a café or perhaps a boutique. You have been thinking about going to this place for a while and on your way there, you have pictures in your mind of what it looks like, you can recall your last experience and some pleasant memories. Basically, you have a good feeling about the place which is why you are wanting to go back there.
And when you arrive – the door is closed, the lights are out and a sign on the door says the equivalent of “gone fishing”. How do you feel then – disappointed or cheated, perhaps or possibly even empty? Generally it’s not a good feeling.
So how do we do this ?
Sometimes a brief “hello Mary – how are things going?” and then give Mary the time of day before moving on.
Maybe it’s a letter, an email, a brief note, a box of chocolates or some flowers, something to acknowledge the other person’s efforts, their contribution.
In a work situation it may be an award a pay rise or an overseas holiday as a result of a sales promotion or maybe just “Great Job – thank you”.
When speakers come to various organisations someone usually gives a vote of thanks at the end and this is accompanied by a small gift.
Let me ask you –
What if – next time someone does you a good turn, goes the extra mile or even just passes you in the street, how will you choose to acknowledge them? And most importantly, expect nothing in return. We acknowledge the other person, not because we want to use them for something (how does that feel when it happens to you?) but because we want to.
How quickly we discover what goes around comes around – and it’s always a good feeling when it’s something that makes us feel really good.
Remember – every champion deserves a great coach – why not you?
In my Creative Writing class the other day we had an exercise where we were to write something about If I lived in a garden.
It occurred to me that the daffodils are just coming out in my garden and they always herald the coming of Spring, a time of new beginnings. This is what I wrote –
If I lived in a garden …
I would be a daffodil bringing sunshine, happiness and good cheer to everyone after a long dull and cloudy winter. Daffodils herald the Spring.
Recently I attended a school reunion in Sydney and, on reflection, many of those women were not unlike the long, dull and cloudy winter – seemingly without lots of energy and coming to the end of their used by date.
How refreshing it was to meet up again with some of the other daffodils. One lady is planning an adventure trip to Alaska where she wants to climb Mt McKinlay – the highest mountain in North America. I don’t think she is planning on going to the summit, however she will be walking on the mountain before launching into some other adventure.
Spring is called that for a reason – it’s a time when everything is meant to spring into life, a time of new beginnings.
It really came home to me that many of my peers are retiring or coming up to that time in life: a time to play, a time to flourish, a time to really live, like my friend going to Alaska.
All this is possible for all the flowers and vegetables in the garden provided they do the adequate preparation for that time when they can really bloom.
The new life that comes with Spring is filled with possibilities and excitement and fun and, above all else, the time to really savour the special moments, the time to really enjoy the experiences, the time to really live.
As we take the journey of life there are ups and downs, good and bad for everyone, we all go through rough times when we wonder what might happen. If there wasn’t this challenge, how would we know we were experiencing a good time or a bad time. Life is made up of opposites for a reason.
The most exciting and empowering thing is we all have a choice – a choice to decide what we will focus on. After all we get what we focus on and so why not focus on what we want.
Yes, if I lived in the garden, I would be a daffodil – full of sunshine, happiness and good cheer.
Remember – every champion deserves a great coach – why not you?
What is this and why is it important?
Recently my uncle celebrated 60 years of marriage – to the same woman. Is this what commitment means? My uncle has been legally blind for a number of years – he is almost 90 years old and I can only imagine his longevity is partially due to his and his wife’s commitment to their relationship.
My friend Marie had a baby when she was over 40. The baby was born with the cord wrapped around his neck with the result the baby was disabled. I remember his father saying “the most important this is that he can have a beer and go to the toilet”.
From the moment that little boy landed his father massaged his little body for many hours every day. Josh is now an adult, an IT guru and, at one stage, he was swimming at State level in disabled competitions – do you really think any of that would have happened without the commitment and love Josh’s dad had for that little boy?
Mother Teresa committed her life to helping those less fortunate in the streets of Calcutta. She was considered a saint and yet she was committed to her cause – to help those less fortunate.
One of my heroes is Richard Branson. He has been committed to his cause for a very long time. When I lived in London Richard Branson was just getting started and look at him today – someone we would all call a success.
Then there are research scientists who spend their whole lives committed to finding a solution to a chronic disease or, in some other way, to serve humanity.
Each of these people has something greater than themselves in mind, an ideal, a promise, a dream.
I have clients come to me who are totally committed to achieving their goal and I also have clients who have chosen to wait for life to happen to them. Those clients are also committed – some are committed to making a difference and some are committed to staying the same.
So what is Commitment anyway? The Reader’s Digest Dictionary says it’s a dedication to a cause or a policy, a pledge or undertaking.
One question coaches often pose to prospective clients is – just how committed are you to succeed, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being not committed and 10 being totally committed, just how committed are you?
It is assumed from the question that unless the prospect is at least 80% committed to achieving his outcome the coach will suggest he come back when his commitment level is closer to 100%. After all the coach is not there to help the prospect find yet another way to fail.
How does someone become committed?
From my observations and experience, a commitment is a promise to yourself (and whomever else) to really see something through to the end, through thick and thin, to go the whole 9 yards.
I’ve often thought of some of the early explorers – Burke and Wills for instance – they were committed to finding the inland sea. They were responsible for some of the early inland mapping and never fund that inland sea. Imagine riding your horse across the interior day after day with the heat and the flies and the uncertainty, just wondering what was over the horizon and, all the while, their water and food supplies were dwindling.
What does it take to be committed to your outcome? Are you the person who is committed to your outcome? Are you the person who is prepared to do anything to get what you want?
For me it is about passion – being purely passionate about my purpose. It’s about being dedicated to excellence and giving value, it’s about making a difference, it’s about serving my fellow man and giving my best, doing my best to bring value to people in my world and this, in turn, has brought me great reward and joy.
It’s about knowing what you want and going after it, bit by bit, step by step, a little each day, every day, it’s about sticking to it and doing what you love because when you love what you do, it’s never work, it’s a joy.
Coaching and practice go together – the more you practise, the greater the reward. Life is a journey with no destination.
And to leave you with a bonus – a quote from Nathaniel Branden –
I am convinced that one of the most helpful things we can do for people is to refuse to buy into their inappropriately restricted views of their limitations.
Remember – every champion deserves a great coach – why not you?
During the week I had a conversation with someone about this subject and was reminded how important it is to respect the other person’s world.
What’s the big deal, why is this important, you might well ask – given that with modern technology we are often left feeling there are no secrets anymore?
My mum used to say she was a very private person – what did that mean? More importantly, what did it mean to her and did the meaning she gave that really serve her?
When people are seeking help, whether it’s professional or they are just wanting to share a problem – after all a problem shared is a problem halved, right? In these situations people really want to know that the sharing stops with you.
It doesn’t matter what we might think about the issue, to the other person (the person with the problem), their stuff is private and to share that is a breach of the trust they have placed in you.
Sharing a problem allows the listener to possibly shed some light on the issue, to show the problem owner another way of looking at their problem and, possibly, that other way of looking at the problem (which we call a reframe), could help the problem disappear. After all, it’s what we make an event mean that gives it the weight which can lead to the issue being a problem.
When I was on my way to boarding school for the first time I was 12. I remember my mum telling me I was on y own now and if I got into trouble, that was my problem because she wasn’t going to be there to sort it out for me.
OK, so to be fair to my mum, what was she saying – be strong, stand up for yourself, take responsibility for your own stuff and get on with it.
What did I make that mean – I need to do it all by myself, I have to make my own decisions, I can’t ask for help, I need to keep my cards close to my chest and when I do get into trouble I need to find my own solutions.
So what happened – I didn’t share. I felt alone and many times I didn’t really know how to cope and you can be sure I never asked for help and I certainly never asked my mum for help. My interpretation of that event did not enhance our relationship I can assure you.
Creating an environment of trust allows the other person to feel safe wen sharing their inner secrets. They want to feel secure and are more likely to be open and, therefore, open to possible solutions, when they feel they can trust you.
What is trust and privacy and what makes it important? What does all that mean to you? In my coaching world, it’s about being up front with the clients and letting them know when you might need to share their information. This could be in a situation where I, the coach, felt they were about to harm themselves or someone else, in which case I have a professional obligation to report this. It could also be that I am recording the session so my coaching can be evaluated or so I can go over what the client has said with the intention of helping them further.
Trust is a value which is very sacred and when the client is sharing their darkest secrets, they want to feel good about that sharing and it gives them the safety net they need to disclose those inner secrets and feelings with the goal of moving forward.
How do we do this – how do we keep a secret?
The key for me is respecting the other person’s world. When they feel you are supporting them, the client will feel safer and that you are helping them. You are honouring the client. In respecting their world and honouring the client, I am also honouring my own values. This is absolutely paramount because when your values have been violated, you are not in a happy place and this can be really stressful.
You have probably all heard – you get what you focus on. So when you’re totally focussed on someone’s “secret”- it is constantly in the forefront of your mind and you feel compelled to do something about it because it is driving you mad – all you can do is think about that secret. It’s driving you crazy, you just have to tell someone – and that is exactly what many people do. They tell someone else the sacred secret. By doing all this, they have relieved their immediate problem – and created untold more problems. They have violated the trust with the problem owner, they have violated their own value and as a result they could have lost a friend or a client (depending on the relationship between the problem owner and the listener), they have stooped to the level of gossip by sharing someone’s secret, they have demonstrated the total lack of respect for that person’s world and, in short, they are in deep trouble. They feel awful.
How do I keep the secrets? I let them go – that is, out of my mind – until I see the person again. I focus on other things and stay in the moment with what I’m doing, this could be another client or something completely different. As we can only think of one thing at the time, it then puts the secret out of my mind. In short, I file it away where it belongs and is safe until I need it again.
So what if next time someone shares a secret with you, just ask yourself – do I need to be told this is a secret or can I work that much out for myself?
What will I gain if I tell someone else?
What will I lose if I tell someone else?
Is it worth it?
Whose needs are being met – are you wanting to meet a need of your own or are you honouring your friend’s trust that has been placed in you?
Remember – every champion deserves a great coach – why not you?
Deciding – to make the Decision or Not!
Why is it important? Why is making the decision such a big deal?
Do you think your target would be more defined once you made a decision?
There’s a big difference between deciding you want to get married and deciding you want to marry Freddie!
What’s the big deal? Let me ask you – what is the decision you have made?
If it were to get married, you might decide to marry anyone – after all that way your goal will have been achieved.
Whereas if you decided specifically to marry Freddie, there’s a fair chance the emotions propelling you forward to make that decision are totally different. You love Freddie, you can see yourself making a life with Freddie and fulfilling your dreams. You are committed to the relationship with Freddie.
The motivation behind your decision to get married could be very different if your goal were to get married. Perhaps you wanted to be able to live in another country, it was a way of running away from home, you were in love with the dress in the shop window, you were in love with the idea – there could be many reasons behind that decision.
And just how do you decide – how do you make that decision, whatever it may be?
Are you the person who makes a list of the pros and cons and somehow evaluates your final decision?
Do you need more information? How much information do you need before you make a decision?
Is certainty a big factor – you are looking for a guarantee? What sort of guarantee would give you the certainty to make the decision? If you were getting married, for example, what guarantee do you have then – are you looking for a money-back guarantee? Do you think you could be responsible for the outcome you achieve or are you the person who believes it all rests with the other person?
Are you looking for something outside of yourself to reassure you that you are making the right decision or do you rely on your instincts – you have a good feeling about it?
Do you think about your values and align those values with the other person involved.
Does your decision making strategy work for you every time?
Perhaps you think about what making the decision will do for you. Who do you need to be to make the decision that will work for you?
Perhaps you are wondering how the outcome will affect you. What will it give you, what will you get, where you could go once you have made that decision and why is all that important?
Presumably you might give more consideration to a decision to marry someone than you do to buying your green groceries and, yet, the way you go about making that decision could be very much the same.
The real question is – are your decision making strategies working for you?
Are you an impulse buyer who suffers buyer’s remorse after the event or do you give careful consideration to your buying? Do you see it, weight up the pros and cons, does it fit your criteria and then buy or not buy?
What is your criteria? Have you given thought to that – what do you really want? When you have what you want, will that give you what you are really looking for?
Are you a one time convincer or do you need to be convinced several times that this is the right decision for you? Or perhaps you are the person who will never make a decision and if you are that person what do you do then? Do you just not make a decision and leave it to someone else and then feel resentment because you did not get what you wanted.
What would happen if you made that decision and then committed to it so you could have what you wanted – do you think that is something that would work for you?
When you make the decision for all the right reasons, the right reasons for you, you will be empowered and you will feel more confident and committed to your outcome and, above all, you will feel really great about yourself and then, who knows what – your next decision will be made with more confidence, certainty and commitment.
Whether you make the decision to be the person who makes his own decisions to move forward in his life, to do the things that you need to do so you can have what you want or whether you decide to stick with the status quo, live with regret and later in life tell yourself … if only…. that decision is entirely up to you.
Every champion deserves a great coach – why not you?
I welcome your call when you have made the decision
Do you procrastinate? Have you ever thought about what is behind your procrastination – is this something that works for you, something that serves you or are you the person who is constantly putting it off for another day and then another bright and shiny object pops up and you are once again chasing rainbows?
Where has your procrastination led you? (more…)
Today I would like to talk about Language – the way we speak our world, we create our world.
What do you think of when you hear the word – language? What immediately pops into your head?
The Sounds of Silence
Have you ever noticed when you’re walking through the forest it isn’t always easy to spot wildlife? And when you stop walking, become still in your gait and still your mind – the silence descends.
At first this is a little foreign to many of us and soon the silence gives way to the sounds of nature and the various animals and birds begin to move. This is when you can really appreciate nature and the silence that brings nature to life.
Would this be something you could use? (more…)