Boundaries Are Important

In days gone by people might have hauled up the drawbridge o keep the enemy at bay and to maintain their safety.

There are many ways we haul up our own personal drawbridge and, for some it may be withdrawing from the group or family members. While this copying mechanism might work for a while, it is not always a good strategy in the long term – eventually you are going to have to come out and re-stock your larder.

So why do we sometimes feel the need to haul up the drawbridge? What has happened?

Very often this can be as a result of our having allowed someone to cross our boundaries uninvited. There are times when we just need to e alone or do something for ourselves in our own way and then, all of a sudden, someone comes along and wants to take over, they feel the need to tell us what to do, to run our ship.

Family members seem to do this more often than most. We’ve all heard those mother-in-law jokes.

Let me ask you – how do you feel when someone has taken over your world, started organising your life and generally telling you what to do – all without your permission.

Personally, I feel resentful. The next thing I find when this happens is the victim in all of this (the person who lives in the castle) gets upset and sometimes that upset develops into an all-out war.

Now none of this upset and anxiety would be necessary if the victim stood hr ground and explained to the other person that it (whatever the transgression was) was just not on and she would feel better if the transgressor respected her boundaries and her world.

Sometimes such a transgression may only be the lack of asking permission and if the castle owner says “No” (ie she has clearly made her boundaries known) then the potential transgressor has a responsibility to honour that request and respect those boundaries.

We all have our personal boundaries and we all have our needs. Respecting the other person’s world is an important way of honouring that person. Respecting your own boundaries is paramount in honouring the self.

If you’d like to talk more on this subject

Marg Hobby

Life Coach Adelaide

Anxiety – Is This Getting In The way Of Your Success, Of Your Moving Forward?

Have you ever felt paralysed when confronted with a decision – shall I go out or stay in, should I go to work or ring in sick, should I invest in that program or will they think I’m stupid/inadequate/not good enough?

Anxiety is a fear of something in the future – meaning it’s a fear of something that hasn’t happened yet.

It’s safe to stay in, it’s safe to stay where you are and it feels safe to not move forward or make a decision. When we know that we will be safe on the other side of something we need to do, it takes the fear out of that step. When we see those flying trapeze artists who start out on a platform which is safe, they know there is a safe platform at the other end which they will reach after they have done their trick and they accomplish their task with the greatest of ease on that flying trapeze.

Some people are so fearful of an event in the future (flying through the air like the trapeze artist) they are paralysed and never leave the platform.

I met this girl once who was anxious about going to school. Rather than going to school and facing her fear, a fear of something that may never happen, she stayed at home.

Now I know that sometimes there are unpleasant people in places like school and work and these people have the capacity to make life unpleasant – but only if you give them permission to do so.

These people are called “bullies” in today’s society. Bullies can be found everywhere and have been around forever.

Like everything in this world, bullies can only succeed if they are fed – meaning if you give them permission, if they have someone to bully.

So how does one overcome this fear of something that hasn’t happened yet?

I know this lady, let’s call her Suzie. Suzie told me she felt anxious about joining a cycling group. When I asked her what that was about she told me she was anxious about falling off the bike. When I asked her what would happen if she focused on staying on the bike and successfully completing her ride rather than falling off, she said she hadn’t thought about that. A few weeks later she was very excited when she reported that she had successfully completed her ride and was no longer afraid.

We get what we focus on so why not focus on what you want?

If anxiety is an issue for you and you’d like to move forward so you can enjoy life, please book a free session with me on https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11328808

If none of these times works for you, please email me marghobby@gmail.com and request a time for an obligation-free chat.

Remember, we are all so much more than we believe we are.

Talk soon

Marg

 

Why Coaching

Recently I have been undertaking the steps to renew my credentialing with the International Coaching Federation (ICF). Part of this journey has been 3 hours of mentor coaching with an experienced ICF coach. During this time I was once gain reminded of the value of having a coach.

Basically, coaching is about taking the client (and that can just mean another person and not necessarily one who pays money for the experience) from where they are to where they want to be.

“Easy”, you might say. But what does that really mean?

We’ve all heard of football coaches like Nathan Buckley and Ken Hinchley who coach AFL football teams but what do they really do. I’m sure they do more than just teach guys how to kick balls through the goal posts.

We all need to have someone in our court to help us lift our game, to achieve our goals, to become better people, to run corporations, to manage family life, to help us hone our skills. None of us knows everything and when we treat our mind like a parachute, it works better when it’s open.

It’s easy to become complacent when we feel we are in a comfortable space. One of the aspects I enjoy most about life coaching is the opportunity it has presented to learn from others and the benefits of getting out of my comfort zone. When we are out of our comfort zone we are challenged and that’s when we grow. Those are the times when I have found I achieved something I never in my wildest dreams imagined I could ever do.

So what is life coaching? In the not so distant past when our grandparents were growing up, as now, life had its challenges. Who did people talk to about their issues, how did they sort them out, what did they do then, how did they manage?

Al great questions. Life before computers, mobile phones, work place contracts, consumerism and many of those other things we have come to rely on and enjoy was slower. People had more time and spent time with the people who mattered to them. None of us knows how a child may feel when he finds himself in a certain situation and what that could mean later in life. When the child interprets a certain situation (something was said or done or he saw, heard or felt something) as something negative, that child may grow up believing he is not good enough, he is not loved, he doesn’t belong, he is not worthy. The result of that decision can be catastrophic and limiting.

In the past the little bloke may have been able to have a good heart to heart with a grandparent who could have helped him feel safe and loved and understood and that act of just being there could have fostered the feeling of confidence in that child.

Today most people are goo busy to attend to some of those special moments in life and that’s where the life coach skills can help to make a difference.

Some time ago one of my clients told me he had always felt abandoned because his parents never seemed to have time for him as a child.

Now, who knows what the parents’ needs were and when I suggested to him that perhaps they were so in love with each other they hadn’t realised how he felt, he seemed to feel differently about the situation and took some strength from knowing how much they cared about each other.

Sometimes when we find ourselves in crisis situations, just surviving can be a challenge. More recently my friend Claire and I have started up a group coaching program the purpose of which is to bring some awareness to what life coaching can offer and to know they are not alone. Sometimes in a crisis situation which seems to go on forever, it’s easy to overlook your own needs because you’re so busy taking care of everyone else. It is a b rave and courageous person is willing to give herself an hour or so of “time out” to nurture herself by talking with others in a non-judgment and confidential environment can help. Everything that is said in that room stays in that room.

Apart from the Coach N Chat meetings, we each offer one-on-one coaching sessions and you can always make a time to have a chat.

Our next session on 4 July – the first Tuesday of the month – will be around empowerment. This is a subject requested by some of the participants at our last Coach N Chat and is all about you and how you can help others to help themselves.

Mothers (and fathers) are nature’s unpaid personal life coaches, they are leaders and managers who run strategic units we call families and have one (if not THE) most important jobs in the Universe.

Until next time.

 

Marg

The Power of Presence – A Tip From Your Life and Health Coach

 

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.”

― Eckhart Tolle

Being in the moment has a power all of its own.

How do you feel when you’re in a conversation/relationship with someone and, while their body may be there, they are not. They are distracted or thinking of something else, perhaps they’re on the phone or just looking around the room.

There are some people who “multi-skill” while talking with you. How does that make you feel then? That’s certainly one of the things that gets up my nose. I often ask myself – why am I here talking to this person when they are clearly not (here)? The other day I was having this (what I felt was a deep and meaningful) conversation with this person and in the middle of my talking she kept asking me if I wanted some refreshment.

Or perhaps you’ve been in a shop waiting to be served (meaning to engage with the shop assistant in conversation, to get more information or even just hand over your money) and the shop assistant seems to be more interested in completing a personal conversation on Facebook or texting someone. Is this the type of service that would drive you to recommend that business?

So what is this “being present”, what does it mean to be present?

From a coach’s point of view, being present means you are really in the conversation, listening for what is being said and what is not being said. You are giving the client 100% of your attention. Not only does this enrich the conversation it also acknowledges the client and, in return, they then feel valued, they feel like they are important and that they are being heard.

We can really only do one thing at the time and that is why driving the car and texting/chatting on the mobile phone at the same time can be so dangerous. Both activities (and especially the driving) require 100% of your attention and anything less can be catastrophic.

In the coaching world, the coach will ask the client loads of questions so the coach can learn more about the client’s world and the issue they have come to see the coach about. It’s imperative for the coach to give the client that quality time so the client can feel they have received value for their investment and, more importantly, a solution to their issue. The questions the coach asks are geared to loosening the client’s grip around their problem so that some new thinking can come into the space and allow the client to find their own solution. After all the client’s solution is the only solution that is going to work for them.

Now I wonder how that might work in your relationships. Imagine the quality of your relationships soaring when the other person feels that the time you have spent with them was of great value, a treasured moment, a time when each of you gets to know the other person just that bit more. After all it’s free – quality time is the same price as no-quality time and the results can be so much richer.

If this is something you might like to talk about, how about making a time and we can talk about it further.

Until next time

Marg

Life Coach Adelaide

0407 186 011

Coach N Chat with Marg and Claire

What has to happen before you make the decision to move forward?

I was contemplating this question earlier around my writing a blog that focusses on relationships. The first relationship we need to focus on is the relationship we have with ourselves.

In my search I quickly discovered there are loads of people telling us what we should do. What I discovered is that before we do what we should do, we might take a good hard look at just who we are being.

During my search for what I was looking for it came to my notice that I am the only person who knew what I was searching for.

We can easily just float along in life just getting by and blaming everyone and everything for whatever is not going our way. Sitting on the sideline at a sporting event and hurling advice at the players is easy. What does it accomplish?

After some consideration and lots of procrastination I came to the conclusion one of the things I was being is selfish After all, I had spent years and years searching and all the while the answer was inside me.

So where to from here? My first thought was – I need a plan, I need to go somewhere with this. I need to share some of the benefits of what I learned along the way and, perhaps, what might be more powerful is if I were to show people how to find the answer they are seeking.

To this end, I have palled up with my friend Claire and we are running a series of workshops at Marie’s Crystal Cave, Snapper Point, Aldinga Beach. Our first event will take place on Tuesday 2 May at 7pm to 8.30pm. For this to succeed, it is our intention to address the things that are concerning the participants around their personal world. For example, there’s nothing you or I can do about how Donald Trump combs his hair however we can take a look at some of the things we do around some of our issues.

This is a non-judgmental and confidential environment meaning that whatever is said in the environment, stays there.

We all have needs which need to be fulfilled so we get what we want and one of my needs is to make a contribution of my time to others.

So, who’s open to taking a look Details can be found on Meetup Coach N Chat with Marg and Claire.

Looking forward to seeing you there. Marg and Claire.

Your New Year’s Resolution

No doubt everyone has been asking you about your New Year’s Resolution and what your plans are for this year. By now many of us have forgotten all about it and it’s business as usual. Whatever you have decided is not important to anyone other than you because your future is really in your hands.
The point is – it’s not what you want to do or not do: it’s what you are doing that will get you to where you want to be, to achieve your goals and, more particularly, who do you need to be to do what you need to do so you can have what you want.
Well you might ask, what exactly does all this mean? Perhaps a little story might help–
Let’s suppose you want to learn a new skill – it doesn’t really matter what it is – it’s just a new skill, maybe something on the computer or maybe you have thought about enrolling in a university course or something at WEA or TAFE.
Perhaps the first thing to consider is the purpose of your undertaking. Have you ever noticed when there is a lot of passion behind whatever it is you have decided to do, everything just seems to flow. Obstacles pop up and you deal with them seemingly without even thinking too much about them and suddenly there is no obstacle. When you are faced with a major frustration in the process, it’s just something you need to deal with and that’s exactly what happens. Conversely when there is little or no passion, every step becomes a chore, it all becomes just too hard and your interest flees.
Have you ever watched a little kid learn to ride a bicycle?
When I was a kid I remember my dad introducing me to bicycle riding. And by way of explanation, I need to tell you I am one of the most unco-ordinated people on earth and I am definitely not an outdoors person, although I do enjoy bushwalking. That aside, when my parents gave me a bike, I obviously had to learn to ride it. We lived in the bush and fortunately for the purpose of learning to ride the bicycle, we had a driveway that stretched for about 500 metres so I had an area to practise on! Well my dad is somewhat mechanical and felt it necessary to explain all about balance and so forth, most of which went right by me. Then it was time to get on the bike and he was very supportive and held the seat and the handlebars so I felt safe and he would run along the driveway like this in the hope that I would eventually get the message to peddle like fury and maintain my balance.
I don’t really know how much weight my dad lost in the process but I do remember he did that for a very long time and then eventually I got the hang of it and once I did, I enjoyed riding my bike along the driveway and beyond. However, there was no passion and I felt it was just one of those things I needed to learn.
My dad was really passionate about teaching his kids some of the necessary life skills and he was certainly committed to teaching me to ride that bike and stuck with it until I got the hang of it.
This is not dissimilar to learning a new habit, you just have to really stick at it until you get the hang of it and then it feels like second nature.
Now who do you think he needed to be to get me to ride that bike? The words I would have chosen are determined, committed and supportive. I also think he was passionate about getting his kids to learn to do different things and master some of the basic life skills. For my part this was a great lesson in learning to be committed to achieving a goal.
Being committed means different things to different people in different circumstances. When I think of people making their New Year’s Resolution I often wonder just how committed they are to achieving what they say they would like to do and perhaps that’s just it – they would like to do something rather than really, really want to do/achieve something. When you really want to achieve something, accomplishing that something is usually fuelled by passion, a passion to achieve, a passion to succeed, a passion to master a skill/new habit.
And then there is the bigger picture. What is the real purpose of your wanting to achieve, what will it give you, what will you be able to do when you have it? Where will that skill take you?
Weight loss is often one of the big topics of discussion at this time of year especially after the spoils of Christmas and having been on holiday, away from routine of work demands and just enjoying yourself and now it’s time to get back into the swing of things again ready for another year and somehow you find that the clothes you wore before have shrunk in the wash or whatever happened to them while they were hiding in the wardrobe over the holiday period.
Weight loss is really not about losing weight – it is more about adopting a lifestyle choice and it’s about nurturing yourself and your body. When you have a healthy body you are more able to look after your kids, you are more likely to be around for them when they really need you. You are able to give so much more because you feel so much fitter and happier within yourself and the last thing on your mind is your weight.
Have you ever considered how your loved ones would manage without you or if you were incapacitated in some way all because you failed to take care of yourself along the way.
Goal setting sounds really corporate and something many of us would prefer not to have to worry about and yet we set goals for everything, sometimes without being conscious of it.
Think about your Christmas shopping – are you the person who leaves it until Christmas Eve and then rushes out to do the shopping in one afternoon just so you can tick that off your list and then come home and collapse in a tattered heap knowing you have yet to do a thousand things before the rellies come for lunch the following day? How does all that leave you feeling? How do you imagine you might feel with a little planning so that the whole exercise felt like an effortless experience and something you could really enjoy, after all Christmas is supposed to be time for family and a time when we can really enjoy other people’s company and relax into the moment.
Sometimes we need someone to champion us along, someone to keep us accountable and someone in whom we can confide every now and again when we think that it’s all getting a bit too much or we find ourselves wondering how we are really going. Sometimes this can be a friend, sometimes your next door neighbour or one of the rellies and often it work better when you have someone completely disconnected to you because they don’t buy into your excuses and help keep you focussed on your goal.
I’m sure most people have heard of SMART goals and yet how does this work for you?
Well one of my goals is to put on a workshop with my friend Claire. This is timed (the T in Smart) for April – we are yet to finalise the date and complete arrangements for the venue. We are working toward this (the second T in Smart) and will publish details closer to the event.
Now, all you buddies out there, I want you to keep us accountable on this because it is also something that can easily slip by and have nothing happen unless we work towards our goal.
If you’d like to explore this further, please feel free to contact me for a free session – that is free of obligation, free of judgment and free of charge – just fill out the form and, hey presto, I will get back to you to make a time for a chat. How easy is that?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Until next time
Marg
Life Coach Adelaide