A relationship is the way two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected, an emotional and sexual association between two people, the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave towards each other – Readers Digest Word Power Dictionary.

A relationship between two people is basically about how we get on with each other and they generally work best when each person’s needs are being met.

I was thinking about this yesterday when my husband and I celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary with a glass of champus and a plate of King George whiting which he caught.

So what is it that makes it work?

Over the years we have both done different things and, in some respects, we are as different as chalk and cheese and yet, deep down, we have a common goal and a common set of values. Everyone’s values are going to be different. When some common ground can be established and each person trusts and respects the other person’s values, it works – well it works for us.

The bit that always amazes me is how all this happened in the first place because it was all at the unconscious level.  It has only been in later years when I have been doing so much study on the subject that I can appreciate how clever the unconscious mind can be – thank you unconscious mind for taking care of us.

More recently I was witness to a different type of relationship – a situation where two people were connected by a mutual umbrella. Person A had occupied an executive position on the Committee and had not taken the necessary responsibility for her outcome. Now Person B is in that position on the Committee Person A has, seemingly, made various attempts to get her own way over some issues. The point is, there wouldn’t be an issue had Person A taken appropriate action at the appropriate time and accepted responsibility for her outcome. Instead she has chosen a negative and unresourceful course of action which has not helped her reputation nor her cause.

Why is all this stuff important anyway?

When our values have been violated we feel cheated and hard done by. When our needs have been met (and some of those needs will be to have our values honoured), we are happy, we feel fulfilled and satisfied – in short, all is right with the world. When people respect our values we feel worthy and ur self-esteem is high – all is right with the world.

On the counterside, when we feel our values have been violated and we feel cheated and robbed many people stew over this for ages, sometimes for a lifetime. Negative emotions are withheld in our body and eventually the body reacts in some way – usually with an illness of some description. This is the unconscious mind’s way of telling you to take some time out, take care of yourself, honour yourself or you may really have something to be upset about.

Five steps to getting on top of your situation so you can turn it around

  1. Step back and be aware of what is happening. Being aware is the most crucial step because until one is aware, one is not able to be effective with a way forward.
  2. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Sometimes this is not easy especially when the ego steps in and pushes the need to justify the actions taken.
  3. As yourself –
    1. What do I really want here?
    2. What will it look like, feel like and sound like when I have it?
    3. Until these questions have been answered there is no way of knowing when the goal has been achieved. If you don’t know what you want – how will you know when you’ve got it? Maybe you have it already and you just don’t know it!
  4. Ask yourself –
    1. When I have achieved my goal, what will it give me
    2. What will it enable me to do?
    3. Who will I be?
  5. One last question for yourself – what is the first step you are going to take to get you where you want to be/what you want. When will you do that – after all a goal without a deadline is just a dream.

I’d be glad to hear your views and remember – be kind to yourself – you are the best friend you have.

Talk soon